All At Once

I had the most bizarre dream last night, well this morning. And when I think about the reality of it makes me feel so sick. I don’t know what that means though, as it isn’t solely the thought but also my stupidity of staying in contact with him. I have no idea what makes me go through these phases but a the same time I have this horrible feeling that I have a complete obsession and it isn’t so much because of who he is but what he used to do. No matter how much I try and erase him from my life I never will because he was the first and it just isn’t ever going to happen. It is amazing that he can make me cry to this very day without really doing an awful lot. I really just want to find someone else not to replace him but to prove to myself that I’m not honestly this little girl still that I had thought I was completely over. That stage in my life is very clearly still the current. I want to hate him but I can’t. I want never to see him or contact him again but at this moment in time it is all I want to do. It’s not as if he has the charm, the amazing looks, the humour or the kind heart that would usually send me head over heels for a guy. I wish he did, that way I would happily say, “Yeah, he was a bit of an arse but he never failed to…” well make me feel happy. Why though? It just doesn’t make sense. I know the answer but surely I can’t be that shallow or that sentimental that for as long as I shall live he will always hold that place in my heart. I wouldn’t say that I love him to anyone anymore, but I did once and I don’t think I did. It was a total infatuation based purely on physical aspects. Yet, I will still get horribly jealous when I see him with another girl or speaking to another girl. I spend minutes of my days (it is that over-the-top quite yet) looking through his photos and seeing who he is friends with to try and find out some other aspect of his life. I don’t want to be with him, I don’t care if someone else is with him I just don’t want to know about it. So why do I look for things to be happening all the time?

He spoke to me for the first time in ages, and within the space of maybe 5 words he had me in tears. I totally over-estimate him sometimes. For some stupid reason I have made him out to be the most amazing male that has ever stepped into my life and he really, really isn’t. How can someone you do not understand, well no that is a lie. I totally understand him I just don’t agree with what he does or believes sometimes and yet I out myself in a position where I envisage him suddenly not doing what I know he is going to do. And every single time I do it he does exactly what I know he will do. He is himself and I ask myself why I do it? I never wanted to change him, truly I never did. I didn’t think he was perfect but I liked him just as he was. Yet as soon as I stopped having contact with him, maybe it was for myself. To make me feel better about the fact that I spent so many hours thinking about him and with him. When you know that if you email someone they will not reply to it, why email them? When you know that if you say hello they will ignore it, why open your mouth? But when he says one little thing that I know he means and that is that thing that makes me say “That is why. That is why I want him to be that perfect person.” well that is the time that I know I’m stupid.

“I’m back in Coventry on 8th September. We can see each other if you want. J”
Is he shy? Does he just want to see a familiar face? Does he feel he is doing this for my benefit? I never did go and see him, I couldn’t do it. But because he asked that one time, I thought maybe, just maybe I could make this work.
“I’m going to be in Coventry on Sunday to see Liz and DeeJay. If you’re around I can meet up with you before I go home.”
No reply. I wasn’t surprised either. When he offered I said “Maybe” so when I offer he doesn’t reply at all. Its some silly children’s game really isn’t it? He replies on Monday “Sorry I was busy. Maybe I can pass through Manchester and see you” and I think, OK, yes. “That would be really good to see you again. Let me know when you’re free” Nothing! Nothing ever came of that, no reply at all. Did he just want to know he isn’t the one chasing. He is the one in control of what happens. Or am I just over-thinking it and he was just being polite rather than serious. When would someone “pass through Manchester” when they live in Coventry and go home to France in the holidays!?

No contact for a while and then “Joyeux anniversaire” on a face book mail. Nothing more. So all I can say is “Thank you”. I don’t want to play a stupid game anymore, he isn’t worth it. A few weeks on, I ask his help. No reply to the email. Two weeks later I send “Thank you” in an attempt to make him reply. But still nothing. I cannot stand his arrogance. So two weeks again and I really do want his help. I don’t need it but I almost want to prove a point. So he appears online and I ask “Do you know any festivals that happen in the Aquitaine region?” Expecting no reply, I walk away from the screen and carry on tidying and organising my room. Then I see a little orange flashing rectangle on my screen. I leave it for a bit and then pop it up “ok?”. Clearly something is missing so “Is what ok!?” and then comes the thing that made me cry (absolutely ridiculous when I think about it) “go on the region website”. So after weeks proof-reading your work for your final presentation in your final year at University this is how you repay me? This is how you show that you “won’t forget what you’ve (referring to me) done” And on top of that I gave up my time when I first started University myself, when I was preparing to leave my family to help you find a school which you could work in and ask people who I don’t really speak to advice to give to you. Why bother helping someone who is going to give you that in thanks? I guess you can understand why I cried at that. There is no hope for someone like that (sorry to replay this conversation I just want to make sure I understood it right). What do you say to that then…“OK”. Thinking that was the end of it I could despise him for the rest of my life, I walked away and got into doing something else to keep my mind off of that little incident. Then I saw there was something else he wanted to say which made me so angry “I don’t know if it’s in English though”. What a fcuking A*hole…“it doesn‘t need to be.” How dare he take that tone with me. That is how you know that someone doesn’t care about what you say to them. I told him so many times about how excited I was about starting French classes, spoke to him before them sometimes and made sure he knew about it. Then he has the cheek to say “oulala” I just wanted to scream at him. What a cheek to talk to me like that. Did he think he was being funny? That I would be pleased about him being impressed? I couldn’t reply to that at all. I just wanted to hit him. And then one of those lines that make me stop totally and remember why it is that I liked him in the first place “I’d like to hear you speaking in French”. I just laughed. Just for the fact that he can just…I don’t even know. Not wanting to really converse with him all I could think was “it’s not that impressive”. And then somehow I ended up making conversation out of it again “If you ever want to laugh then of course I’d be happy to say something to you” when I didn’t even want to. How does that ever happen. I go from one word or few word answers to suddenly trying to make him say something. But he said one of those other things that made me think, ‘yeah that is the guy I fell for’ - “no, I’ll not laugh. I know how hard it is to speak a language when you never live in the country” there goes that heart beat again skipping away. Oh I cannot stand it. I wish I could do something about it but every now and then I want to speak to him, or want to just go and get at train and turn up outside his house and just say ‘Hey, I was in the area.’ But I never will, I’m not that stupid.

Now thinking about that dream…I got an email from him the morning after having slept with him again but in his home and meeting his housemates. The email said “It was so good to see your small sad mouth again, so bad L. We’re even now so let’s call it quits.” That was it. I was so confused in the dream. I’d obviously done something to him that he wanted to make sure he made up for. So I told my friend Katy and she sent his girlfriend a really nasty text and then we turned up at their flat. They were in bed together I remember being really upset. Katy made the girlfriend get out of bed and beat her up and I started arguing with him and then it all just went into something completely different.

I know I want it all to be over between me and him. Well it is. But I want him to be my friend or to fuck off out of my life. I can’t cope with all this stupidity and over-reacting to the smallest thing about him. I doubt very much that he is doing anything along the same lines, I am just some English girl who he slept with a few time…someone who he got on with and who was adequate and useful for the time. OK, that sick feeling has mostly gone now…that certainly feels better.

How Things Are Going

So, I moved up to Manchester back in September to recommence my University education. And since I have been up here it has just been amazing. Nothing had gone wrong in particular so I think these have possibly been my happiest few months this year. Much more so than others which I previously believed to be so wonderful (other than the obvious of travelling around Europe).

I haven't felt the need to pour my heart and soul out at any point and I think that is because I have found people who I can talk to when I get frustrated over the small things or even ecstatic over the bigger. It's felt so weird to know I can talk to someone physically instead of having to sit and type endlessly or my random thoughts and feelings and wait for that feeling of relief to settle over me.

A fair amount has happened in the past months where I haven't been blogging and I have missed out a huge amount of stuff that has happened in that time. Probably the main thing being my Euro-trip and the birth of Zack, my nephew. I can't really sit here and talk about Europe again, I did write a diary for every day of the trip but I don't know when I would ever have time to type it all up and post here. So all I can say is, it was the most amazing three weeks of my life and I would do it all again for the rest of my life if I could.

Zack, my beautiful little boy, well my sister's beautiful baby boy. He was born on October 20th at 16:30 weighing 8lbs. I was home the weekend my sister and him came home and I just love him to bits. I was back the first weekend, the next weekend and the the week after for my reading week. It is quite strange as I saw him every weekend for his first 4 weeks and now it has been 4 weeks almost to the day that I've seen him and I do miss him. I'm so so excited about going down in the next week to see him again. He is so beautiful and just, had brought so much happiness into his family it is unbelievable. I have never in my life sat in a room with 10 adults and not one of them speaking a word but all with their eyes trained on a sleeping babe. He is the most incredible miracle, I really do adore him.

All Things New

OK, it's been a while since Ive written a blog entry mainly due to me being away travelling around Europe with my Manchester girl Cece.

It was probably one of the best experiences in my life and the best holiday I've ever had. It is going to be a hard one to top actually. But I have written a journal for every day of that trip so I don't really want to write about it here, though I'm sure it will eventually work it's way onto here.

Basically I just wanted to update on everything so far.

Jérémie is kind of out of the game now. He went back to France and we didn't speak really at all. Then I got home from travelling and I got a message from him telling em he was back in Coventry this year and gave me the date of his arrival but I'm not really sure on what on earth is going on there. Genuinely clueless and not really sure I, or he, want anything to happen there. Not exactly going to be a topic for discussion either going by history.

This however leads me onto the new "man" in my life. I'm not sure what he is at the moment. I like him he loves me (always nice to have that sort of attention) but this lovely man lives in Sicily which just makes things a little difficult on the whole dating front as it is basically impossible unless one or the other goes to the other's home to visit for at least a week I guess. And hopefully he will be coming to stay with me for a week when I move up to Manchester. (Oh yeah I move up on 20th September - finally going back to Uni w00t!) So if that happens then it may well turn into a dating thing and me being with the most sweet, caring, funny and cute guy I think I have ever met. I really do have a thing for Latinos...not necessarily a good thing I sometimes feel what with the whole distance thing. But I think Giovanni (my Sicilian) is totally worth that effort, he certainly has proved so far that there is no good reason why not to give it a shot. Plus, it may mean I go out to Sicily in April which I think is rather a good idea.

I'm going to be an aunt within the next 6 weeks. Yes, my sister Kathryn is pregnant and I';m not sure if I mentioned it before but it is all properly happening now. He is due out on 14th October, but it looks like he'll probably be early what with her getting big so early on and not having a grown a huge amount in the last month or so. I can't wait for it but at the same time am slightly scared for and of Kathryn. She's been a right moody bitch since I got back off holiday and seems to be going back to how she was before I went to Uni last year and doing the whole..."Let's be a total cow to your little sister and make her not want anything to do with you" so whether I'll be speaking to her when her little one is born is totally down to her. I wish I could say this behaviour is down to the pregnancy but she for some reason totally despises me and always feels a need to make it known. Jealousy is so stupid when she is jealous of what she's already done and had in her life. She can never accept that I can do things better than her or that I can do as well as her in life or have the confidence and enthusiasm she never had to do the things that she probably would have loved to do with her life. It is totally pathetic and I hope she doesn't treat her son ;like that when the time comes for him to do all the fun stuff in his life that she has prevented herself from doing by not using a condom or taking the pill. She really is the most bitter female I have ever had the misfortune to know.

I think that just about covers everything for now. Once more things pop op in my memory I'll be sure to note them. But until then, that is all.

Alt. Scary Movies

Does it sound strange to say that I'm scared of watching certain films?

I guess not really. I refuse to watch "It" because of how it was portrayed to me as a child when my sister was watching it with a friend. I remember this event but only vaguely. I was told i wasn't allowed in the room while they were watching it, understandably when you think about it. But whenever someone is told they can't they will without a doubt. So I ran into the room watched a grand total of about 3 seconds of which I remember nothing. I do recall jumping onto the lap of either my sister, Jenny, or her friend and hiding my head in their shoulder.

But this is in a completely different vein. I had three films to watch whilst completing my household chores today, all of which I have seen before if only in part. "Big Lebowski", "Night at The Museum" and "The Science of Sleep". The first two are fine - I knew if I wanted to laugh out loud then these were perfect. However I was also aware that the third is a very good film, very amusing and generally a superb movie. Well from what I remember of it. This is where I started to get scared. Since the last time I saw him I have only watched one film we watched together and the only time I managed to watch it in full we were just lying with me in his arms and him whispering the lines before they were said. So I have quite happily watched The Godfather Part 1 since the last visit. However the one time we watched "The Science of Sleep" about 30 mins into it he had something else on his mind so for the majority of the film it was only the words that we could hear and since I don't speak fluent French or any Spanish I had a very broken story going on - him being the selfish bum he is was perfectly able to tune in and out if he so desired. That not being the point, if I watch this film I think that I will have pangs of pain as the memories of what happened when may be too much for me to handle.

I have happily come to the conclusion that it has ended and I don't get those jolts of happiness or flips and turns of the heart and tummy at the sight of him or form just knowing he is on-line and I can talk to him if I so wish. That doesnt stop me missing what has happened in the past though. And the smallest reminders make me feel so so sad it is unbelievable. Yet at the same time as happy as I was at the time. I don't miss him "now" so much as him "then". That makes sense, right?

Every time it comes to thinking of the summer I have such a mix of emotions. OK so I have the depressing outlook of someone who knows that something is so close yet so far at the same time. It's only 8 weeks til I leave work and only 9weeks til I leave the country for 23 days with Cece. OK so that is very good. But 8 weeks of work...1 week with the unbearable "her" then 3 weeks without her but this me and more of the "him" - the one who bends backwards! Yeah my way of saying it without saying it. so that is four weeks and then it's back to normality in the workplace for the other four weeks. But there is a new person to start in that time and also my saving grace for those few hours will go about 2 or 3 weeks before me. I genuinely don't know if I can last that long. 4 weeks is just about bearable. So maybe I will split it - 4 weeks til payday and the next instalment of funds is out of the way. The 4 weeks til it's over for good. Right so it is all going to be looking at the short-term. I managed it for all of March and April with Jérémie's unknowing help. I can do it with other focuses then like everyone coming home for summer.

That out of the way - I then have to think about what happens when the trip gets to the first stop in France. Planned arrival is 6th August and we leave on 9th. Originally this stop was planned to mean seeing Jérémie and him showing us around Annecy and Bourg-Saint-Maurice or wherever else he wanted to show us - well me. But now I don't know if he'll really want to be doing that. I have two months til I might, possibly see him again, which is bearable. But if it does happen what will actually happen. It will be the same hello I got the frst time I saw him sober - a kiss on each cheek and hopefully me not embarrassing myself by doing the hug and a kiss like last time. OK so that out of the way...well what if that isn't how it goes? What if it's the greeting I got on the second, third and fourth trips? That beautiful soft and stubbly close-mouthed delicate repeated kiss that makes me melt in an instance and at the same time makes me want to wrap myself around him. I'd be happy with that no surprise. But then there is the third option. It wouldn't be exactly the same but from the way those conversations have ended a simple "bonne nuit" well - that indicates a cold shoulder effect fright. Maybe it will be an awkward "Hello" or maybe "Salut, ça va? Venir entrée" There is no way of telling. Though I have managed to come up with numerous possible chains of events what with all this mindless working and empty weekends what else could I possibly think of!? Which brings me to what I think would be the worst outcome. He decides he doesn't want to see me at all and so never replies to messages saying when we'll be around or simply says he won't be available. What the hell then? Well I will take the lead; slag him off to high heavens; cry myself to sleep silently whilst Cece comforts me and makes me laugh and smile again. Then make a point of making it more amazing than he ever could.

That behind me - the plans so far for EUropea are turning out to be absolutely fabulous. My fantastic cousin, Clare and her amazing husband Matt, offered to put us up whilst in Madrid and showing us everything possible in two/three days. I really can't wait but I know the wait is worth it because that money is going to be what makes it all possible.

Well that's all for now.
Another confusing mind-slush up on the screen and out of the head.

The Real Thing

That's how you know it's the real thing isn't it!?

When I see a photo or think of an intimate moment it physically hurts to know I probably won't see him. Standing in work today I was thinking about different visits and what's been said and done. Just those simple thoughts caused me a really bad heart pain that made me want to double-up and cry. But I managed to make my mind wander onto different things to top those pains.

Sitting on the internet tonight I let myself fall and decided to look at what's been going on. Anything new!? Some new pictures. Seeing that face, knowing when I have or haven't seen that expression made my tummy hurt but in the same place that it had just been fluttering at seeing him. Then the tears welled back up again.

How can something so good hurt so bad before anything "real" has even happened?

I never meant for that to happen.

Break It Down

Sometimes I wish I didn't remember things that I was never meant to know.
Sometimes I hope against hope, that which I am certain of as the truth is not so.
Unfortunately for me that is all they will ever be. Until, maybe, it no longer matters.

I spent this weekend relaxing with my favourite girl in the world up in Manchester. There were no moments of awkward silence or hopeful ends but laughter gossip and confidences. I wsh it coiuld have lasted longer. Cecilia is the most beautiful person I know. Both inside and out she shows no ugly qualities and always help you hide away your own.

There are times when I think those silly ideas of me that appear due to whatever reason should be acted upon. Twice in about the space of 5 minutes I could have made a choice that would have made me feel a lot better about certain things yet I didn't. I don't regret this though. I have always been a firm believer that even if you are not happy with a result or action you should never regret it because at some point you will learn from it all.

Without lessons where would be?

I tell lies a lot, it is not a trait which I would like to make public knowledge or first-hand knowledge, as it would take too much time to explain why I do it. It is not always selfish reasons, I often think that it is better to let the truth lay low when you can read a situation well enough to know that a lie won't hurt at any point, or just as much as the truth could in time.

I have learned to hold back the tears because of one person and I owe them thanks however they will never get that directly. They would not understand or believe me for it and the way in which they did it may not be something they are aware of even.

Sometimes secrets are a lie because they are the lack of truth and therefore surely that is what makes one!?

Emotions are rife at this point in my life and I can't get a grap on them. Every time I make an effort to do so, I get confused and send out the wrong messages to those around me. I don't know what these messages are though as I do not fully comprehend what it is I am doing just as I do not know the feelings.

One day it will make sense.
One day maybe I will be the one making this happen to another.

Stronger

OK, after a bad start to the week I managed to work my way out of my little ditch of emotions and have come out on top. And all thanks is going to my work-mates. They have had an earful each on my current dilemma and all of them have come-up with the same answer which shocked me but dawned realisation on my eyes.

Crying my eyes out was a good way of knowing that I do really have feelings for him but also those feelings are in no way gonna be "Love". He will always hold a soft spot until I get over him or decide he has something wrong with him (not gonna be happening anytime soon then!). I came to the conclusion that he had "cheated" on me (if that's possible in a non-est. relationship) but then the next day was a little shocked at how easily led my mind is as I thought about it again. He was a a party with all his French friends and they were singing, not even facing each other. I just want him to hurt me so I can be annoyed and upset for real reasons and then go onto something and someone new, even though that would only be to make life easier on me of course.

Well the week went by and all my favourite people in work eventually came in and we got discuss our lives and stuff and each asked about how things were with Jérémie and so I explained to each how it is basically over and about the weird weekend and then the random drop-in of being invited to see him over the summer. All of them gave that same response of "What!? After everything on Saturday?" And then proceeded to "Maybe he is just distancing himself to make it easier for when he's in France" and it made me think that I truly have been utterly selfish about the whole thing.


Friday was my star boy's appearance and his gentlemanly advice and experience to help me out.
My kidboy - Rob, told me not to talk to him unless he started a conversation, not to put myself on display and sale for him when I know I will just be hurt by it all regardless of what happens and then told me I mustn't ask to see him again now. So my first weekend of not asking him if I can go and see him, and my plan to test myself to the extreme came into play. I went to Coventry this afternoon with my sister, Kat, to do some much needed shopping. As there were train problems yet again, we couldn't go to Bedford for Primark, Watford is far enough that we might as well go to London so that was out of the question, and my other sister, Jenny, was going to Northampton so that blasted that Primark out of the water. My hopes were to come true. So Kat and I headed up to Cov for some retail therapy. We spent the whole afternoon there, got close to heading nearer to Singer Hall but headed away luckily and I didn't once phone or text Jérémie to say I was there or to ask if he was available. I got that close and didn't cave-in and really enjoyed my day actually.

So Phase One has been successful and I now have next weekend in Manchester so that will be a no go for Coventry luckily. And then I'm home and dry I think.

Though I am happy to keep contact and visit him in the summer if he's still up for it. Just see how things are going really.

I have some pretty blissful memories to reminisce over if I do miss him anyway so I think that is how it will go. That doesn't seem rude or mean or anything does it!? Didn't think so =D

Song of the day: "Just" ~ Mark Ronson
Listening to: "Version" ~ Mark Ronson
Readnig: "Fifth Elephant" ~ Terry Pratchett

What To Do...?

My one way of focusing totally on anything but him has now become my total and utter downfall.

I could have got over him and forgotten him, I thought it was a possibility at least anyway until Saturday.

OK - so since the ranting and raving of it meaning nothing at all he replied to the email I sent. Was still slightly annoyed as he didn't reply til Friday afternoon and if the answer had been different I wouldn't have been able to see him but luckily for me I guess it was going to be a very short visit.

Saturday would be spent shopping with my mum for her Italy outfit and then in the afternoon it was a quick train ride up to Coventry about 1pm or 2pm. I could go and see my friends, as it was Marshall's birthday Saturday and Friday was Pete's so it seemed I could make a little more of the visit. Unfortunately there were no trains running from MK or Northampton or Rugby so it was coach connections the whole way which somehow managed to eat-up 3 hours of my time. Though I honestly wasn't too bothered, as it was getting me out of the house and away from serious tensions. I had serious doubts and thought I would probably leave Coventry crying. When I finally arrived at Singer Hall it was already 15.45, and if he hadn't been hungover he would have read my email and known to be around at 15.00 or at least to have let me know he would be out. But as there was no communication I had the worst case scenarios running through my head thinking that he was in bed with another girl and that was why he wasn't answering his door. It was his flat mate who told me he was very drunk the night before and not in til late so now I knew why I couldn't come the night before. I wasn't feeling good about seeing him at all. I called him to see where he was dreading what he would say. Turned out he was in the library studying but those doubts don't disappear so easily. Luckily DeeJay and Liz were around so I retreated back up stairs to try and not think about him. Though this was impossible as DeeJay I think needed time with Liz. Well, without me around anyway. We ended up going to see Marshall and playing outside for a bit. And then we went back upstairs for a little bit and I got a call from Jérémie to say he was back at his. OK, so he didn't have another girl in his bed!

I went down to him about 17.00 but it was the weirdest time I have ever spent with him. He opened the door and went straight back to his room saying "Come. come in!" There was no hello, no kiss no hug no nothing. In his room he was on MSN talking to some friends, so for half an hour I sat on his bed in silence staring out the window and wishing pretty much that I wasn't there. He wasn't being rude really, it was an old friend he hadn't spoken to in two years so I understand why he wanted to talk to him I just felt like I should have let him be for a bit. Then when we started talking it was nothing like normal, we spoke about my sister and "The News" and then everything else was him missing home. wanting to be back in France and being very excited about leaving in two weeks. I just wanted to cry, say goodbye and run back home.

I arranged for Tom, Pete and Marshall to all go over to DeeJay's at 18.00 so we could all finally be together for a little bit since the last time we were all together was New Year's. But I was with Jérémie and knew I had to be aorund him. So at 18.20 I sent DeeJay a text to say I wouldn't be there and went for a walk with Jérémie instead. It turned out Pete didn't turn up and Marshall was still at his. It was nice to just go and wander with Jérémie in with the warmth from the day and the setting sun. Then we went and got some dinner and went back to his about 19.20. But it was all so strange. We didn't seem like we were together. We were walking and talking but with a distance between us. There was absolutely no physical contact other than play fighting and his rubbing of my arm now and again. Then we had another one of those conversations about money. Which goes along the lines of "You shouldn't have done that", from him. And my lame reply of "Sorry, but it's just the way I am." My mistake - paying for his dinner which was all of £3 in total. It was all so weird. After we'd finished eating we were sitting on the table chatting and I heard Tom and Marshall so I leant out of the window and shouted them over. I know it probably seemed rude of me but I chatted to Tom for a couple of minutes through the window. When I turned back in Jérémie looked a little annoyed with me so I explained that Tom was like an older brother to me and that I hadn't seen him for a bit (OK, a week isn't long but when you do fuck all with your life these little things matter). This seemed to ease his mind a little and we started talking about hid friends and some of his funny stories. When I was explaining about Pete and Marshall's birthdays he asked if there was going to be a party that night and then went to offer that I could come back to his room if I was staying over but I kind of cut him off midway and said I was going home that day. Maybe that was a bit of a mistake too but it felt so strange on my part though I don't think it was quite the same for him. So he asked what time I had to leave and I just looked at the time and said "Probably now."

I think I just blunted everything but it just, well like I said, felt all wrong and uncomfortable and not quite right. Every time I went near him and rubbed his back or gave him a hug there was no reciprocation from him. Absolutely none. So after my last comment he went and got some bits and arranged to meet a friend at the library to do some work whilst I went up to say bye to Liz and DeeJay. DeeJay seemed annoyed with me for not having come up when the guys had come over but I was feeling so odd I just wanted to leave, so I didn't hang on for any real explanation or conversation.

We walked the normal way over to the taxi rank and as we were walking a little further along than usual I stopped him so I could go over to get in a taxi but he seemed a little insulted by me saying that as he wanted to walk me to the train station. I would have thought he wanted to get to the library as soon as he could but maybe there was still something so we walked the 20 minutes to the station. Almost the entire walk once we got to the central shopping area was in total silence. We walked apart from each other again drifting along. Then when I tried to make conversation he looked confused and lost "I'm sorry, my mind was in a park in Lyon." I'd crashed him and his day-dreams. He kept apologising to me for not having his mind in the present. He walked me into the station gave me a really heart-felt squeezing hug. I kissed him on the cheek and then he let go. "Are you OK?", I ask. He smiles and says yes. "Are you sure?", there is something not right with him and I know what it is but he just nods and smiles again. Then it's "See you" and he walks off. That was the end wasn't it?

He showed me that he had Facebook now when I went down to his room and he was quite excited. He asked me to add him and said that I had to tell him on facebook when I got to France. I don't know if I mentioned it at all earlier but he told me I should come and see him when I'm in France in the summer. I could stay with him if I try to come when his parents aren't there. Or come anyway and he would try and get one of his friends to let me stay with them. He's a real sweet guy. So as soon as I got back home at midnight I added him and he almost instantly accepted but I was tired so I sent him a quick wall post and then went to bed.

This morning I checked to see if he'd replied but no!

I went to church and felt all strange again but got through it a bit better. Then I went to the city centre and met Cece for coffee at 13.30. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together just catching up and gossiping and wandering around the centre. I told her about my weird day in Coventry and explained all the weirdness of it to her. Then when we got back to hers she went on facebook and I had "suggested" that Jérémie add her. So we went and checked out his page - still no reply to my wall post. We had dinner together, watched a film and just had a really good girlie day.

But then I got home went on Facebook after having sent a private mail message to him winding him up about a joke we have but there was no reply to this. Then I noticed someone had tagged him in some photos from a party, so I thought I'd take a look. So now I'm doing a Katy and have become a Facebook stalker. The three photos consisted of him with an arm round some girl, then him holding hands with her whilst the arm is round the neck and singing together and the last of just him and his beautiful laughing face. And now all I want to do is cry and wallow in my own misery again. I just want the summer to come so I can leave work and run away to Europe with Cece.

It turns out I fell so hard in love with him that I blocked it out from myself and now I have to be a hard-skinned bitch and just forget it all otherwise I will spend the next 2 months crying my heart out and losing every ounce of feeling I still possess. Then go on summer vacation and probably end up becoming the whore my mother always th0ught I was anyway. Please let this time pass quickly.

Pure Self Pity

I can’t believe I am allowing myself to cry over this.

For the first time in ages I’ve seen how good my family is. They really do stick together when you need then to the most. And when I say thins I mean my close, immediate family.

Kat just came into my room just to check how I am because she said I’ve been really quiet recently. I guess I have been really. I have totally retracted into myself over the last week or so. The worst part of it is I know exactly why I have done this and I wish I hadn’t now.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks for no apparent reason. Well, of course there is a reason and it’s been on my mind 24/7 since Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I seem to have managed to convince myself into believing I have a relationship with someone who I can’t possibly have one with. There is too much piled up against it to allow it to happen, yet regardless of this fact, knowing that I have someone and something to look forward to at the end of my week. Nothing is going to come of this and now I think about it I’m not sure I even want anything to come of it. I wish he would just speak to me. I looked into my sent-box on my email account this evening. Out of 8 emails sent to him, one was in reply and one was replied to. You’d think I’d learn my lesson and just leave it. But it isn’t like there is nothing there. Well, before there was something anyway. I think that was the last visit and I probably the last proper conversation. I would like very much to see him again but I know that if I do it will cause me to build him up more so. He isn’t mean, he hasn’t tricked me or lead me on or anything which is why I don’t want to be crying over him. This is totally my own fault and he has done nothing to encourage me to be so latched on.

I wish I could talk to Kat about this but I know I’m just going to cry as I am now. And she certainly doesn’t need the hassle of me crying over a few good fucks, some long conversations and 4 or 5 enjoyable weekends. It’s just how it goes.

And now I’m worrying that I’m over-reacting with the whole situation because if he actually gets in touch with me before tomorrow morning I will feel so stupid. But I have to vow to myself not to contact him now if he doesn’t respond to that last email (and he won’t because he has never been around on a Thursday night since I first spoke to him in March). I’m not just being silly either. I asked questions and didn’t seem needy or anything along those lines but a no-reply means a total end otherwise I will just let myself be hurt by my own hopes and dreams of something that can’t happen.

I think the end has been and gone and I am so annoyed with myself for feeling such annoyance with more than one person over the whole issue.

How can I be feeling so sorry for myself – it is the most pathetic I have been ever. Even worse than the Pete situation, but at least I could blame him for leading me on. I have just led myself on this time to exaggerate something which was quite happily plodding along as a weekend nothing really.

Venting Frustration

The most boring weekend in the existence of my past two months has been won hands down by this one!

OK - the time when I wasn't in the house like Friday night, Saturday afternoon/evening and Sunday afternoon were fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself but dear me I forgot how boring my family are and how little I enjoy their company nowadays. Not disliking them in anyway but I really do need a break from them and unfortunately I think my frequent "break" has officially come to an end.


But that is not why I feel the desperate need to vent myself thoughts this evening. I've recently been reading "Atonement" by Ian McEwan. I saw the film adaptation in the summer with my parents and after ,months of my mother trying to make me read the original novel I finally got down to it. As I already know the storyline it was not going to be a fantastic read as all the twists and turns I know already. But the style in which it is written intrigued me and really kept me reading. I've read half of the book but I refuse to carry on reading it. I had completely forgotten how much hatred I hold for the main character in this story. I just want to kill her or smack her about the face a few times and tell her to stop being so god damn selfish and self-righteous because she knows fuck all about real-life. She doesn't understand the situations she eavesdrops on and doesn't deserve tyo be a part of them in any way. I finally reached my limit with her and have had to stop reading because I know I will feel the most outrageous detest for this girl if I carry on any further. Not only her but her stupid bloody cousin who in my opinion deserves the ""horrific ordeal she is put through at such a young age due to what I know will come later and also from her general persona.

I have never had to put a book down. And what annoys me about it even more is that I know there are parts to come which I will wholly enjoy reading but I cannot physically bring myself to read the other parts.


This year is seeming to be the year for my first-times in all shapes and sizes - first time I've ever walked out on a movie at the cinema due to how shockingly shit it was, first book I have been unable to complete out of boredom (Sophie's World), first book that has made me so angry that I can't complete it along with a whole conglomeration of other things which seem to be happening in my life and family life at the moment.

Oh well - another boring-arse week at work is to start and the annoying management twats who I have to suffer until Weds/Thurs/Fri when my saving light returns to my life. Oh Jen, I don't know how you cope on Saturdays.

The hidden thing driving all these emotion - I have realise I have lost my religious connection as my dead feeling in mass this morning confirmed the worst for me. I don't know what to do to get it back. The sins I have committed are ones I am happy to have undergone, so speaking to a priest and asking forgiveness is totally out of the question. As well as this the guy who I thought I was falling for no longer makes me feel the same way. I have not lost any feelings for him, I still miss him and want to be around him but I have come to accept that nothing is to come of our "thing" and I don't feel any regret or anything like that but at the same time I now just kind of want him to hurry up and go back to France so that I know where I stand in life and I can get down to the grizzly tedious life which I am currently leading. And in no way am I feeling depressed or down about any of it. It is fact and a reality of life which does not bother me but I want to be able to say it all with out someone telling me that it's only because I haven't seen him. As I felt this coming on last weekend and didn't feel quite the same when I left or when I arrived there. It is all just a little odd for me as I have been the emotional person forever, falling in love too quickly becoming attached far too easily to guys and now for once when I probably have every reason to I haven't and don't wish to either. But I do like him and think him an awesome guy and am very happy to have spent the time I have with him and to have done what I have with him. I hold no regrets of the last two months. I have enjoyed them no end and wouldn't change them for the world.

Now I have lost where I am heading with any of this but feel like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you.

Somebody Help

I am only 3 days into my 12 long struggle and I haven't been allowed to even speak to him. All I keep doing iss listening to his music and thinking about the past few visits and trying my hardest to think positively about what is to come. Which isn't too difficult it wasn't for the fact I had a sudden start on Monday evening. I realised I am shit-scared of going back to Uni again and not sure if I want to go to Manchester. In my heart I am saying I want to be in Coventry fdoing English and Law. But in my head I know that is only because of the hope that Jérémie will be there and it will make visits easier. Who said anything about it lasting that long. When he goes back to France I can't expect him to come back to me. Neither can I assume that I won't have moved on 2 months down the line. Highly unlikely, but a possibility nonetheless. Ah, working in a very quiet retail shop doesn't help with the whole thinking thing and keeping him of the brain. 24/7 he is in my thoughts usually me trying not to think about him. But I won't say it's love because I don't want to submit myself to that. Not yet. Not so early on. Maybe if things are still going in September the word my slip out more readily.

So this is the song that makes me smile, cry and feel happy about every little thing I can think of.

Thank you for sending me this one. You don't know what it does to me.

The original that gets me every time: http://youtube.com/watch?v=D2DPa1eGMpo&feature=related


The English Version with a different meaning: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vu077-j95k8


So sweet, so beautiful
Everyday like a queen on her throne
Don't nobody knows how she feels
Aicha, Lady one day it will be real

She moves, she moves like a breeze
I swear I can't get her out of my dreams
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes

[Chorus]

Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life

[Verse2]

She holds her child to her heart
Makes her feel like she is blessed from above
Falls asleep underneath her sweet tears
Her lullaby fades away with his tears

[1/2Chorus]

[Bridge]

She needs somebody to lean on
Someone body, mind & soul
To take her hand, to take her world
And show her the time of her life, so true
Throw the pain away for good
No more contemplating boo

[Verse3]

Lord knows the way she feels
Everyday in his name she begins
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes
Aicha Aicha - ecoute moi

[Chorus]

69 over 420!?

I was so worried about this weekend not being quite as good as they have been previously. I think I have just got myself into thinking this just to make it all the better. But I truly convince myself that I will be disappointed. And it felt more real than ever on Saturday.

I went up to Coventry in the afternoon with Liz and DeeJay as it was her turn to go up there and we had gone for lunch with Tom ealier to celebrate Liz and Tom's birthday. It was a good way to start the day actually. I felt relaxed and happy with home-life and knew I was getting a free-ride up to see Jérémie which is never a bad thing. But when we got there he didn't answer his buzzer quite as quickly as I probably was willing to wait, so I went up to DeeJay's and sat smoking with Liz and him for a bit. Then messaged Jérémie to let him know I was there and went down to see him. I was really worried he had gone out or had decided against me or something. I think I still find it hard to believe that I'm with him in anyway let alone this way.

But as soon as I saw him I got that little flutter and just slotted back into the routine. We watched a pretty cool film recommended by DeeJay and Liz "The Science of Sleep". And for what I actually watched of it...it was good. Though I think that's another good movie I will have to watch again. He is a frisky guy and regardless of what is on the screen he knows what he prefers I guess. Hehee

We went to bed really early again this week but neither of us slept we just lay there in silence. It was the strangest thing. Then about an hour later I got up and he seemed really worried about where I was going. I think toilet breaks need to be before bedtime as it always worries him. Though it still makes me laugh and is good ammunition to wind him up just a little. I barely slept that night, I think it was because of how we slept just next to each other - i cocooned myself in his blanket leaving him the duvet, which I don't think he was too keen on as he kept trying to hold me but I was pretty much stuck in one position - flat on my back and fully covered!

Sunday morning/afternoon was very lazy. Jérémie claimed he would get up earlier than me to do his revision and prep work for his finals, which was fine by me, but he did nothing of the sort. I didn't even interfere with his concentration either! But he clearly didn't feel in the right frame of mind to be working. So after making me a very nice lunch we watched "The Simpsons" in french. It is the weirdest thing to watch in another language. You get so used to the characters voices that the accent change just freaks me out. As it was 4/20 on Sunday Liz and DeeJay invited us to spark up with them in celebration. So at about 1.30 I went and got washed and the rest didn't quite pan out how I planned. Thinking coming back in a towel would hint at Jérémie going in for shower it just ended in implying something else. 69 took-over and we missed 4/20 for it. But I must say it was totally worth it apart from needing another shower afterwards and messing my hair. Seriously, wet hair drying when you're doing "that" is not recommended. lol

We went up to DeeJay's a bit before 5 and enjoyed some 4/20 celebrations but left about an hour later. I intended on leaving at 6pm but eneded up lying across Jérémie's legs as we reminisced about out childhoods. I love just lying and talking with him, and listening to his stories. He always shocks me with what he says. I find some of it hard to believe, and some of it just creases me. I wish those weekends could last forever but alas they never do. So we walked down to that taxi rank where I had the strangest goodbye. A kiss followed by a childish protesting moan from me, him leaning in for another kiss and me backing out holding his hand amd then walking away. His parting words "I want to see you cross the road safely". More than ever I wish I didn't have to leave as it will be two more weeks before I see him again and communication will be small until the presentation is over tomorrow and still less than usual as he has to prepare for his finals. However much I wish I could be with him at the weekend coming I know his finals are very much so the most important thing for him as they would be for me.

Ay nako - this will be a hard 12 days that lay ahead of me. But I must watch myself as the conversations I've had with him make me know that I can't expect much out of this. It isn't fair on either of us as his home is France and he is at a pinnacle point in his life as I will be in mine shortly. But, i can't always help myself from falling.

How can you...?

My parents came home this evening after their long weekend down in Wales with Pam. I thought it would be nice to see them again and that they might even start showing some interest. But clearly they are set in their ways on this one.

Over the weekend I saw Jérémie, and I managed to spend part of the time with him at my own home so now I feel we are starting to balance out on that one. Unfortunately for him Jenny hadn't gone away this weekend as I had hoped. Kat had gone off down to Portsmouth making me think I was in luck but the one person who you never want people to meet...put it this way. That member of your family you like to leave til the end of introductions and avoid conversations about. Well that is my sister and she isn't exactly easy to miss or avoid in person. The poor guy was submitted to her and her weird-ass friends on Sunday. I wish she would just grow-up and move out. She is just...ARGH!
But regardless of that I think it was a really lovely weekend. We went over to Liz's for her party, as it is her birthday this week. And he got to meet my closest friends which went incredibly well. He was so relaxed in conversation with them all it made me so happy. Sunday was spent at mine watching films and French TV as is the custom! But I've never felt so at a loss as when I took him to the train station. I wanted to be able to stand until the train came and took him but it's not possible at MKC (gay station) but that moment at the barriers...ay nako! I miss him like crazy this week and just can't wait for the boredom to peeter away into another blissful weekend with him.

When my parents arrived home this evening the first thing I wanted to do was show them a picture of Jérémie, as I now finally have one (thank you DeeJay, even if I do look a state!). And t was such a let-down when my mum's reaction was nothing. She didn't say one thing other than, it's not a very good angle to see him, as it is one of those "natural" shots. And that was the end of the conversation. Neither parent asked how the weekend was for me. What did I get up to or even how my day was today. But as soon as Kat came downstairs "How was Portsmouth? Did you enjoy it?" It makes me so mad to know that they will freely discuss every aspect of my life with everyone apart from me it seems. They have no reason why to not want to ask questions. I'm not hiding anything from them and I've made a point of them knowing that as it seems to hurt them so very much. A simple question like the everyday sort can't really be that hard can it?

It's That Time

This is the first week that I haven't spoken to him at least four times since I left him on Sunday and although I'm not pining it is annoying the hell out of me that I can't contact him until Friday night. Not that I have anyting to say, just the fact that I don't have the option to not say anything.
I've restrained myself and only sent two emails. One on Monday and one this evening. But I feel so down at the moment.

I hate female hormones they suck!

After spending the day feeling really rough and just wanted to snuggled down into bed regardless of the fact that I was wide-awake, I came home to listen to my daily installment of reminders and just felt bitter and annoyed. I don't care at this moment if I never speak to him again just for the pure fact that I can't right now. And I want him not to come on Saturday so that I can be annoyed with him for a reason but at the same time I want with all my heart for him to come here. I think I would feel thoroughly let down if he says no. But now - I want to be able to scream and cry at someone or something. I want to be in his arms and weeping against his chest as he holds my head for no apperent reason.

Oh yeah, and I have broken my PC. Clever little thing I am! Pulled the plug on it so I don't even have anything to entertain me and divert my attention when I go to bed now other than old kids films which keep me awake. Oh for goodness sake. Why did I take a break. I should have just carried on through the cylce and then all this would be slightly better.

I wish I was having an argument with my mother right now. I would feel so much better for it I am sure. And I have plenty of pent up frustration for her. Oh my goodness get a grip on yourself you pathetic female and just go to bed or eat some bloody chocolate. If you were even hungry which you aren't. Grrrr

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vu077-j95k8

Golden Touch

I don't think I have ever smiled as much as I have done this weekend. And the likelihood of a repetition...hopefully quite high. But it is something that we will see about.

Today (Sunday 30th March 2008) has gone down in history as the best day of my life by a very very long shot. And even if it doesn't keep its place, there is no possible way I will forget it unless amnesia strikes.

I'm not sure how to write this, the only thing that I can think of right at this moment is the poster above his bed. And for some reason I cannot remember what it was, well the actual image I remember vividly, I stared at that for so long. Every time I looked at it all I could think of was the butterflies in my stomach on Saturday afternoon as I sat on that train. I went up to Coventry to visit Jérémie who I met a couple of weeks ago at DeeJay’s party. I don’t know why but I just really wanted to see him and it is so unlike me to be so confident and forward but for some reason with him it felt like it was OK. However I was not entirely sure of what would happen. I felt it best not to play it up and so decided to see it as a day trip, probably would be there for a few hours then would head home a little deflated. I had used DeeJay having left his laptop cable there as an excuse so that the visit would not be completely wasted.

When I got to Coventry the butterflies had settled and I was preparing for a non-plus sort of day. I picked up the cable and then went downstairs to see Jérémie (this is about 2pm). And oh what an entrance. I’d forgotten the main door to his floor was automatic and so as it opened I looked up and saw him leaning against the wall in shorts and top standing in that “oh-so-sexy” way with hand in hair. I could have fallen right then but kept my cool. He greeted me with the typical French kiss on each cheek, except I stupidly went for kiss and cuddle as I do with my friends at home. But this was no big deal. We went into his room and started watching a movie. It was odd how quickly I settled into his room, and to being around him. I knew I was still a bit fluttery in the tummy as I went to go and make some coffee and found my hand shaking a ridiculous amount. I made him go and have a quick wash as he had only got up (something I am sure I would not have said that to another). Then, very soon after, we were on his bed kissing and touching and it felt so right and natural. We went out after for a wander about Coventry to find something to do but there isn’t much around at 5pm worth doing so we headed back to his. On went 300 which I don’t remember much of though neither do I remember what we did. I think I turned my back to the screen and was just snuggled in his arms. We spent most of the night like this and sitting and talking and just very relaxed. Clearly I d spent the night so some lame-ass excuse was sent to the father. He didn’t fall for it but I really couldn’t have cared less. At midnight we got up and made some dinner and sat talking in the kitchen for about three hours about anything and everything from family and mafia and governments and culture. I don’t think I have ever spent so much time talking to someone without getting bored. But I was totally enthralled by him. We went back to his room and watched the Godfather movie for a very short amount of time and then came the first time. Well, almost. But what was to come was pretty awesome. I don’t think we slept until 4am or later so a very well earned lie-in was to follow for Sunday.

I woke fairly early and sent a couple of texts to say I wouldn’t be home til the evening and just general catch-up with some “concerned friends” shall we say. He finally fully woke at 3pm. Before this though I needed to get up a couple of times to drink and use the bathroom. He was so sweet. Every time I moved his arm so I could get out of bed he would pull me back towards him. I wonder if he thought I was going to leave!? There is no way I could have done that to him. Which reminds me, when we went to go to sleep he pulled me into his arms and whilst I slept he would randomly pull me on top of him and start kissing me. I think I may have had a bit of a start too at some point as I woke to him asking “Qu’est-ce que ce passe ce soir?”. But as someone who hasn’t spoken French in 18 months I conceded to a simple “Hmmm? - nothing”. I don’t even know if he did ask that or not, but I don’t think I answered in a bad way.

Anyway, he gets up and obviously had rebooted his energy levels as he proceeds straight off to get into the flow of the night before. And we ended up going the whole way this time. And it was so good. Something which I was certain wouldn’t happen the first time happened and he was so – I don’t know. Amazing and the best way to describe him is, he is ‘something else!’ I meant to leave that afternoon, maybe two o’clock. But it was so blissful just lying in bed nest to him sniggled against his chest that I didn’t leave ‘til 7pm. Oh dear, I don’t think the parents were too impressed but I couldn’t have cared less. I had the biggest grin on my face as he walked me to the taxi rank, gave me a kiss goodbye, as I was driven away I was still smiling and I think people at the station could tell as it felt like everyone was looking at me.

He was online when I got home as well and I spent the evening talking to him and relaying the weekend to my closest friends who were all shocked, but happy too. And I just smiled, and smiled some more!

Une Langue DIfferent

It has been a while since I have felt this content. Considering there are really big reasons for why I shouldn't be, if it wasn't for a few special people, I surprisingly feel the happiest I have in ages.


I think the main thing is the fact that I know my future is sorted as far as it ever will be. And that future is something I couldn't be happier about. Being accepted into University of Manchester was something I could not have wanted more. The fact that two of my favourite people and closest and oldest friends are there just makes it all the better.

Well, let me start with what brought me up to this high. At the beginning of March was my best-friend's 19th birthday and he had a house/flat/halls party. Cecilia and I headed on over to Coventry to celebrate in style with him. I'm always so happy to see my beautiful Pops even if it has been a day or two since seeing her. The two of us met at the train station in Coventry and headed over to the halls. Before going to DeeJay's though we decided to go and visit Peter instead. It is rare that I actually speak to him anymore which is weird when I think back to the days when it was an everyday thing. It was really good getting to catch-up with him before the party and to be back to normality with him. He is a funny guy when he wants to be and I do enjoy his company when the timing is right!
Anyway, we headed over to DeeJay's for the party. I'm not sure how many weeks it had been since I'd seen him. Not too long as I recall. Either way it is always a pleasure to see him. The party was pretty darn good as the people there were awesome. Finally getting to meet his housemates and course mates too. Cutting to the chase - I met a guy who lives in the floor below. Jerémie is from France and was really cool. Cece, me, Ko (DeeJay's totally cool flatmate), Chris/Stan and Jerémie were all playing Jenga in the kitchen. I don't think I've ever played that game for so long before. It was freakin' awesome. Anyway, back on track. I gave Jerémie my email (thanks to Cece) since I spent most of the night around him. As soon as I got back home the next day he had added me so we got chatting. And for the past three weeks I have spoken to him near enough every day for about 8 hours. And we haven't come anywhere close to running our of things to say.

Writing about him now I can properly think of all the things I feel. I certainly do fancy him, but for once I am quite happy with being his friend (though I wouldn't say no!). He always make me smile and I am surprised at how much we both laugh when we talk. I don't think I've shut-up about him since I met him either. Which is a first. I usually manage to limit myself but he is all I ever really want to talk about. I've never felt this way about someone before but it isn't lust or love like I have felt for other guys before. It is something new and different. But it makes me smile to think about him, he has given me confidence that I never used to have and I do get that little flutter in my belly when I think about him or when he says some things. Yet, I am not rushing ahead of myself for once.
I have plucked up the courage to go and see him after three weeks and I am nervous but so so excited as well. He makes me feel so totally different and he has put the biggest smile on my face.

There are serious pros to this guy - his voice makes me melt, he has a way with words, he is helping me with my french and me his english, he knows so much and is so amazing. Genuinely the most impressive I have met other than my brother. In fact he is edging ahead of my brother in terms of knowledge, more due to the fact that he uses it.

Well, he has brought a smile back to this girl's face; Cecilia has brought pride back into my heart and joy into my life; DeeJay has brought hope and beauty to my eyes with his own relationship.

OK let's move onto the best-mate then. There have been so many times over the last few months when I have wanted to pour my heart out onto my blog but have hesitated because for once in our long friendship I have been unsure of where I stand, but I saw him alone yesterday, and now I can think more clearly. Since he started dating a mutual good friend of ours I have spent no time alone with him. That is a huge change for us as we were pretty much inseperable on the past few years. I took it surprisingly hard. The silly thing is, I get on incredibly well with his girlfriend, and I have no problems with her as she is one of my closest friends. Which is probably why it's harder as I couldn't lay my finger on how I was feeling. If he was dating a random I know I would be insanely jealous but I know him and Liz well enough to know the difference. I have merely been upset about the fact that my little brother was in love again and I wasn't geographically close enough to fit into the time. Which is no fault of either of us. I understand that him and Liz want to be with each other every waking hour, I'm just used to slipping into the gaps - except they don't seem to exist anymore.

Yesterday I met with him after work and we just chilled out and chatted and I realised for the first time that I don't need to be with him to have our friendship - we aren't needy in that sense and we are close enough that we know that whether we see each other everyday or once a month that we will never change. It is quite something to know that, and to know that we can still talk on the same level even though we are no longer kids. That is the most satisfying and impressive thing I have ever had the pleasure of being able to say about one of my relationships.

Thank you DeeJay for showing and giving me that.