Saturday, 27 February 2010

Bad Ideas

Facebook stalking never ends well - Find out something that you hoped wasn’t true; See photos you probably didn’t want to see; Or realise that...I have a ridiculous soft spot for him and I don’t think it is down to the physical side of things.

I remember things he has told me and they aren’t pointless things...they are personal, about his family and plans for later on the next year without me asking questions. Now I think that he was telling me things he might not have needed to tell me and I can’t work out whether it was just because he was drunk or if it was more than that. I know it wasn’t just alcohol related when it happened but I definitely like him more than a bit of fun.

Did I pick the wrong one? Did I f**k it up big-time when I told him that stupid, pointless lie? Is this going to be my one big regret in life? I knew where I stood with him at least. But I will ruin any chance with the other one if I even attempt to contact him again. Eurgh I hate being surrounded by (well my two closest friends) girls with guys on the go. Makes me think too much about those no longer in my life...I need my auntie and JenN!

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

The Weekend

I spent Saturday pretty much non-stop on my feet. Up at 8am and into the town centre. An application for was handed in (fingers crossed I will be successful with something along the way), a trip to the nurse, a visit to my new manager (OK before you think I just said I've been applying for jobs, this one is only 8-12 hrs a week working mostly weekends) which was very successful. As I had some time to waste I took a slow walk down the Boulevard but down the hidden garden way and took some photos to prove MK does have some hidden gems. After doing my errands I bumped into my sister and nephew and then went to meet Betty and Charlie.

It was so good to see the good people again. It has been so long since I've seen Charlie and it always makes me beam to see her again. She is truly amazing. Obviously any time with Betty is well spent as well (I couldn't go on too much about her otherwise I would sound a little obsessed). We went to meet Tom as well later on and had a look around the art exhibition that the college puts on every summer. There was, as per usual, some fantastic work on display and then some things which I was happy to say I was not the only one to comment "I don't get it". Betty, Charlie and Tom are all art students who were in the exhibition last year, so I rely on them to explain things to me a lot.

So after looking around the exhibition I departed and went down to the train station. Today was the day I would see Jérémie again after more than a year. Leaving MK at 3.30pm I knew it wouldn't be a long visit. I didn't get to his place until just gone 5pm although it shouldn't have been so late...I am pretty awful at reading maps and remembering to bring directions to get to places too. Never mind. It was a little odd as I didn't feel anything when he opened the door other than a little bit of embarrassment for seeing his reflection and walking the wrong way (I've never understood reflections and that side of physics/mathsy stuff). He certainly gave a better reception than the last time I'd seen him. Standing on the bottom step he lent down towards me, held my face in his hands and gave me a kiss on each cheek. He looked almost as if a wave of relief had washed over him when he has hold of me. It was strange.
So in I went and he showed me around the house. Much nicer than some of the other places I've seen but it looked like there were only three of them living there, though it was just him when I was there and until he moves out. I was so paranoid about what was going to happen, really certain that it was going to be friends only. He made me a mug of coffee and was trying to chat about Uni stuff and asking how my first year had been, but I really didn't have anything to say. Although I think I can partly out that down to the tonsillitis making me so tired. We went into the living room and sat down to watch "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". Again, another weird situation with me taking to sitting in the corner of the sofa all huddled up and him lying across it. It didn't feel uncomfortable really, just a little odd I guess. As the film started he put his arms out for a hug. So I ended up snuggled up on his chest, all interlocked for the film. It did just feel normal. Really natural to just be back in his arms again. He even did the same things he used to, held my face and felt it with his thumb. Just sort of stroking it, almost getting to know his way around it again, reminding himself who I was or something. It was incredibly relaxing but ever so annoying when he ended up placing his hands over my eyes.
He stopped the film a couple of times and tried to make me speak french to him. I don't know why I always get so nervous when he asks me to do that. I never know what to say. So we had a very stupid conversation and then when the film finished I went to sit up and as I moved my head he moved his down ever so slightly and we nose-to-nose looking into each others eyes. I lowered my eyes and as I did so he placed the softest kiss on my lips. And that was it. It was liking being with an animal. Nothing really happened other than kissing and biting but he pulled back from me, held my face and then told me "This is how we kiss in France" and proceeded to do these crazy series of biting kisses and "teaching" me how to do it the french way. It was so bizarre. I don't really know how else to say it. I wanted to stay there so bad. It was so much more sexual and passionate than he ever used to be. He started biting my neck, face, chest...his hands were all over and the noises he made were was so weird. He was never like that before. But it was a lot of fun. But there was no way I could let it go further so I placed her hand firmly on his chest pushed him gently and told him I would have to go soon. At least he responded to it better than the last guy I stopped in their tracks.
We sat talking four half an hour then he walked me to the train station around 8pm. He was so energetic it was totally opposite to the last time I saw him. He was full flow telling me about his summer and his family. When we got to the station we stood there for a bit talking about France and checking when my train came then he apologised, said he could stay until it got there, held my face gave me a kiss slap on the lips, squeezed my hand, smiled and left. The whole thing was nothing like I expected it to be.

It was a long journey back. Half an hour wait for the train, half an hour to Northampton, half an hour waiting there and then another half hour into MK. Kathryn picked me up at the station and the first thing she said to me "Did you sleep with him?". It was so good to be able to say no. It really felt good because I know everyone thought they knew I would. I got back home eventually just after 10.30pm, absolutely spent but unable to sleep.

The next day I was up at 8am again, in work just after 11am until 5pm. It was so good to get back into that, and to start on a day with just JenN, Mel and Attia. So happy to be back there, it was such a relief to get back into doing something other than nothing in MK. Will be there every weekend and the odd week days until I move back to Manchester =)

I spoke to Jérémie on Sunday evening/night briefly. Just left a quick message to say thanks and it was good to see him. And for the first time he responded with "Don't thank me, I should thank you. It was it is true." The most unlike-him response.

Songs of the week: "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" ~ Halls and Oats
"The Show" ~ Lenka
Book of the week: "East of Eden" ~ John Steinbeck

Thursday, 18 June 2009

If You Were In My Boots.

I've just read over my last post on here. And I am rather glad I did as I am going to see Jérémie for the first time in over year this Saturday. Well that is the plan. Though I'm not sure whether it will have to be re-arranged or not as we both have work things going on. Just see what comes of it I guess.

I have spent the last week or so talking to friends and asking them if they can remember why I hated him so much. Not hated, that is far too strong a word. But, there was something rather bitter and unsettled about the whole thing that I couldn't put my finger on. That was a nice refresher as neither I or my friends could remember what he'd done, consciously or not. Thank goodness I am over all of that now.

I seem to have a habit of getting involved with guys who I really shouldn't. Actually, no! That isn't true at all. I just get carried away with things a bit too much. That's the reality of it. James and Shaun are key examples of how I let myself get carried away. Thank goodness I can learn from my experiences. For the record, I don't regret a single thing. What is the point in regretting things when you can't change any of it. And even if I could, I certainly wouldn't, because everything leads on from something else and who knows what I would have missed out on. I'd rather not risk thinking and just keeping living for the now and next. So now I have to remember how to move on from the last guys. Although it is on a totally different level, different circumstances entirely.

Let's just say this...sleeping with 2 best mates is a bad idea. Especially when they have been best mates since they were about 5. I mean honestly...what possesses a girl to think that is a good idea? Throw a little extra into the met these boys in a bar with your best-mate and she kinda fancied one of them. Now, let us see this again. The boy who you like was sober when you met him, but you were rather wasted. His mate and your mate were both wasted. They exchanged numbers so the lads could come back to yours. After they leave yours, your mate gets a text from the lad asking if his mate can have your number. Thinking nothing of it, you agree. This guy texts you almost immediately and you end up talking to him almost on a daily basis. Flirting is to a max yet you do not see him again for another six weeks. And in this time you have gone home for three weeks, he has invited you to his birthday night out and you have agreed. But at the same time, his mate has started talking to you a fair amount too however is no longer in contact with your best mate. So you think it is best not to mention he is in contact though conversations are totally kosher and you fancy the other one. Then one day the lad you fancies' best mate asks if you fancy a threesome when you get back. Little bit of a shocker but you're always up for new games. But you think, who is the third part of this ménage à trois? First thoughts...the guy you fancy. If his best mate is going down this route you are going to get the best deal.
So a week after you get back, a shocking performance at the birthday night out (in which you realise the one you don't fancy is more worthwhile) the two lads come over and the games begin. The next six weeks are rather bizarre as you have slept with two guys who are best mates and have never been in that situation before as far as you know. The one you don't fancy has taken to you as being his booty call and for the next four weeks, whenever he goes out you get a call or a text to see if he can come round. Not quite what you were hoping the outcome would be of the night. But you know how to deal with this guy and it is just a game to you. Nothing happens. Then you make the choice to one night invite him out since the one you like isn't making any moves. The invitation is accepted. He turns up with two friends (who it turns out you have met before at the birthday night) and you realise, he is a damn good kisser. He wants you to join him and his mates later and you say yes, but play him a bit and make a point of having your night out with everyone not ruined. By the end of the night you have had a bit much of how needy and pushy he has almost been. So he says he wants to leave and asks for your keys. Clearly you say, no. Then, 20 minutes later your best mate has gone home a little more than annoyed and you are stumbling back to your flat. When you get there, there is a little surprise in the shape of three guys waiting at the main door for you. Well, since they have made the effort you take them back in and up with you. Not the best idea in the world, but you think you can handle the whole thing well enough. Things start going in the wrong direction, you get caught up in the moment a bit and then remember yourself and stop it all. The guys leave, although there is a bit of a spat and you aren't feeling to chipper when they leave.
Next day you get a text from the guy you fancy saying "Heard you saw 'the best-mate' last night'" which you reply to with, "Yeah, saw him when I was out with the girls and flat". That is that. But a few days later when you are talking to the one you fancy he asks you what happened with the other guy the other night. Well, tell him the truth as you don't know what he's been told already. It isn't a pretty story as his best mate came kind of close to forcing himself on you that night which is why you weren't too happy. Clearly the story is a bit of a shock but you only tell the facts and that is it. Regardless of what happened though he has still be calling/texting when he wants a bit if you. You have mostly gotten over the whole incident anyway. You were very drunk that night after all, and you did lead him on with foreplay so not so much of a surprise what happened happened.
Things carry on for a week or so, then you have an argument with the guy you fancy. Well, not so much as an argument as you aren't quite sure what is going on any more. But things aren't exactly peachy. The day of your last exam you get a text from the other guy (the one who you don't fancy as much now) asking if you want to go round to his. Well, it is your last day and you think you may as well make the most of it. So you go round to see him, you have some fun with him, then you go back to yours and carry on your merry little way. The next day you are in the van on your way home and you get a text from the one you still fancy and leave it until you get home so you can have a full conversation after what happened last time you spoke properly. In the middle of a perfectly normal chat he suddenly asks how his best friend is, "I wouldn't know I haven't seen or spoken to him today, I was moving back home with my Dad. I'm assuming he's still alive" His response to you "How's his nob". What a grown-up thing to say. Your answer "Like I said, haven't seen or spoken to him today. I'm assuming it's still attached." Which he replies to with "Hahahahaaa" And there we have it. The childish response from a guy who doesn't have the balls to meet you if his best mate isn't there; who won't tell you how he feels regardless of the fact that you have openly told him how you feel; who flirts with you and makes out as though he likes you.

Well done. Well done, you did it again. Found those guys. Enjoy 2 and a half months away from that!

Oh yes, and remember the one you've slept with more than once. That's right the one who you didn't even fancy that much (though now you are having second thoughts) will be living three minutes from your new house, on the other side of the park. Enjoy your time away!

Friday, 28 November 2008

All At Once

I had the most bizarre dream last night, well this morning. And when I think about the reality of it makes me feel so sick. I don’t know what that means though, as it isn’t solely the thought but also my stupidity of staying in contact with him. I have no idea what makes me go through these phases but a the same time I have this horrible feeling that I have a complete obsession and it isn’t so much because of who he is but what he used to do. No matter how much I try and erase him from my life I never will because he was the first and it just isn’t ever going to happen. It is amazing that he can make me cry to this very day without really doing an awful lot. I really just want to find someone else not to replace him but to prove to myself that I’m not honestly this little girl still that I had thought I was completely over. That stage in my life is very clearly still the current. I want to hate him but I can’t. I want never to see him or contact him again but at this moment in time it is all I want to do. It’s not as if he has the charm, the amazing looks, the humour or the kind heart that would usually send me head over heels for a guy. I wish he did, that way I would happily say, “Yeah, he was a bit of an arse but he never failed to…” well make me feel happy. Why though? It just doesn’t make sense. I know the answer but surely I can’t be that shallow or that sentimental that for as long as I shall live he will always hold that place in my heart. I wouldn’t say that I love him to anyone anymore, but I did once and I don’t think I did. It was a total infatuation based purely on physical aspects. Yet, I will still get horribly jealous when I see him with another girl or speaking to another girl. I spend minutes of my days (it is that over-the-top quite yet) looking through his photos and seeing who he is friends with to try and find out some other aspect of his life. I don’t want to be with him, I don’t care if someone else is with him I just don’t want to know about it. So why do I look for things to be happening all the time?

He spoke to me for the first time in ages, and within the space of maybe 5 words he had me in tears. I totally over-estimate him sometimes. For some stupid reason I have made him out to be the most amazing male that has ever stepped into my life and he really, really isn’t. How can someone you do not understand, well no that is a lie. I totally understand him I just don’t agree with what he does or believes sometimes and yet I out myself in a position where I envisage him suddenly not doing what I know he is going to do. And every single time I do it he does exactly what I know he will do. He is himself and I ask myself why I do it? I never wanted to change him, truly I never did. I didn’t think he was perfect but I liked him just as he was. Yet as soon as I stopped having contact with him, maybe it was for myself. To make me feel better about the fact that I spent so many hours thinking about him and with him. When you know that if you email someone they will not reply to it, why email them? When you know that if you say hello they will ignore it, why open your mouth? But when he says one little thing that I know he means and that is that thing that makes me say “That is why. That is why I want him to be that perfect person.” well that is the time that I know I’m stupid.

“I’m back in Coventry on 8th September. We can see each other if you want. J”
Is he shy? Does he just want to see a familiar face? Does he feel he is doing this for my benefit? I never did go and see him, I couldn’t do it. But because he asked that one time, I thought maybe, just maybe I could make this work.
“I’m going to be in Coventry on Sunday to see Liz and DeeJay. If you’re around I can meet up with you before I go home.”
No reply. I wasn’t surprised either. When he offered I said “Maybe” so when I offer he doesn’t reply at all. Its some silly children’s game really isn’t it? He replies on Monday “Sorry I was busy. Maybe I can pass through Manchester and see you” and I think, OK, yes. “That would be really good to see you again. Let me know when you’re free” Nothing! Nothing ever came of that, no reply at all. Did he just want to know he isn’t the one chasing. He is the one in control of what happens. Or am I just over-thinking it and he was just being polite rather than serious. When would someone “pass through Manchester” when they live in Coventry and go home to France in the holidays!?

No contact for a while and then “Joyeux anniversaire” on a face book mail. Nothing more. So all I can say is “Thank you”. I don’t want to play a stupid game anymore, he isn’t worth it. A few weeks on, I ask his help. No reply to the email. Two weeks later I send “Thank you” in an attempt to make him reply. But still nothing. I cannot stand his arrogance. So two weeks again and I really do want his help. I don’t need it but I almost want to prove a point. So he appears online and I ask “Do you know any festivals that happen in the Aquitaine region?” Expecting no reply, I walk away from the screen and carry on tidying and organising my room. Then I see a little orange flashing rectangle on my screen. I leave it for a bit and then pop it up “ok?”. Clearly something is missing so “Is what ok!?” and then comes the thing that made me cry (absolutely ridiculous when I think about it) “go on the region website”. So after weeks proof-reading your work for your final presentation in your final year at University this is how you repay me? This is how you show that you “won’t forget what you’ve (referring to me) done” And on top of that I gave up my time when I first started University myself, when I was preparing to leave my family to help you find a school which you could work in and ask people who I don’t really speak to advice to give to you. Why bother helping someone who is going to give you that in thanks? I guess you can understand why I cried at that. There is no hope for someone like that (sorry to replay this conversation I just want to make sure I understood it right). What do you say to that then…“OK”. Thinking that was the end of it I could despise him for the rest of my life, I walked away and got into doing something else to keep my mind off of that little incident. Then I saw there was something else he wanted to say which made me so angry “I don’t know if it’s in English though”. What a fcuking A*hole…“it doesn‘t need to be.” How dare he take that tone with me. That is how you know that someone doesn’t care about what you say to them. I told him so many times about how excited I was about starting French classes, spoke to him before them sometimes and made sure he knew about it. Then he has the cheek to say “oulala” I just wanted to scream at him. What a cheek to talk to me like that. Did he think he was being funny? That I would be pleased about him being impressed? I couldn’t reply to that at all. I just wanted to hit him. And then one of those lines that make me stop totally and remember why it is that I liked him in the first place “I’d like to hear you speaking in French”. I just laughed. Just for the fact that he can just…I don’t even know. Not wanting to really converse with him all I could think was “it’s not that impressive”. And then somehow I ended up making conversation out of it again “If you ever want to laugh then of course I’d be happy to say something to you” when I didn’t even want to. How does that ever happen. I go from one word or few word answers to suddenly trying to make him say something. But he said one of those other things that made me think, ‘yeah that is the guy I fell for’ - “no, I’ll not laugh. I know how hard it is to speak a language when you never live in the country” there goes that heart beat again skipping away. Oh I cannot stand it. I wish I could do something about it but every now and then I want to speak to him, or want to just go and get at train and turn up outside his house and just say ‘Hey, I was in the area.’ But I never will, I’m not that stupid.

Now thinking about that dream…I got an email from him the morning after having slept with him again but in his home and meeting his housemates. The email said “It was so good to see your small sad mouth again, so bad L. We’re even now so let’s call it quits.” That was it. I was so confused in the dream. I’d obviously done something to him that he wanted to make sure he made up for. So I told my friend Katy and she sent his girlfriend a really nasty text and then we turned up at their flat. They were in bed together I remember being really upset. Katy made the girlfriend get out of bed and beat her up and I started arguing with him and then it all just went into something completely different.

I know I want it all to be over between me and him. Well it is. But I want him to be my friend or to fuck off out of my life. I can’t cope with all this stupidity and over-reacting to the smallest thing about him. I doubt very much that he is doing anything along the same lines, I am just some English girl who he slept with a few time…someone who he got on with and who was adequate and useful for the time. OK, that sick feeling has mostly gone now…that certainly feels better.

Monday, 17 November 2008

How Things Are Going

So, I moved up to Manchester back in September to recommence my University education. And since I have been up here it has just been amazing. Nothing had gone wrong in particular so I think these have possibly been my happiest few months this year. Much more so than others which I previously believed to be so wonderful (other than the obvious of travelling around Europe).

I haven't felt the need to pour my heart and soul out at any point and I think that is because I have found people who I can talk to when I get frustrated over the small things or even ecstatic over the bigger. It's felt so weird to know I can talk to someone physically instead of having to sit and type endlessly or my random thoughts and feelings and wait for that feeling of relief to settle over me.

A fair amount has happened in the past months where I haven't been blogging and I have missed out a huge amount of stuff that has happened in that time. Probably the main thing being my Euro-trip and the birth of Zack, my nephew. I can't really sit here and talk about Europe again, I did write a diary for every day of the trip but I don't know when I would ever have time to type it all up and post here. So all I can say is, it was the most amazing three weeks of my life and I would do it all again for the rest of my life if I could.

Zack, my beautiful little boy, well my sister's beautiful baby boy. He was born on October 20th at 16:30 weighing 8lbs. I was home the weekend my sister and him came home and I just love him to bits. I was back the first weekend, the next weekend and the the week after for my reading week. It is quite strange as I saw him every weekend for his first 4 weeks and now it has been 4 weeks almost to the day that I've seen him and I do miss him. I'm so so excited about going down in the next week to see him again. He is so beautiful and just, had brought so much happiness into his family it is unbelievable. I have never in my life sat in a room with 10 adults and not one of them speaking a word but all with their eyes trained on a sleeping babe. He is the most incredible miracle, I really do adore him.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

All Things New

OK, it's been a while since Ive written a blog entry mainly due to me being away travelling around Europe with my Manchester girl Cece.

It was probably one of the best experiences in my life and the best holiday I've ever had. It is going to be a hard one to top actually. But I have written a journal for every day of that trip so I don't really want to write about it here, though I'm sure it will eventually work it's way onto here.

Basically I just wanted to update on everything so far.

Jérémie is kind of out of the game now. He went back to France and we didn't speak really at all. Then I got home from travelling and I got a message from him telling em he was back in Coventry this year and gave me the date of his arrival but I'm not really sure on what on earth is going on there. Genuinely clueless and not really sure I, or he, want anything to happen there. Not exactly going to be a topic for discussion either going by history.

This however leads me onto the new "man" in my life. I'm not sure what he is at the moment. I like him he loves me (always nice to have that sort of attention) but this lovely man lives in Sicily which just makes things a little difficult on the whole dating front as it is basically impossible unless one or the other goes to the other's home to visit for at least a week I guess. And hopefully he will be coming to stay with me for a week when I move up to Manchester. (Oh yeah I move up on 20th September - finally going back to Uni w00t!) So if that happens then it may well turn into a dating thing and me being with the most sweet, caring, funny and cute guy I think I have ever met. I really do have a thing for Latinos...not necessarily a good thing I sometimes feel what with the whole distance thing. But I think Giovanni (my Sicilian) is totally worth that effort, he certainly has proved so far that there is no good reason why not to give it a shot. Plus, it may mean I go out to Sicily in April which I think is rather a good idea.

I'm going to be an aunt within the next 6 weeks. Yes, my sister Kathryn is pregnant and I';m not sure if I mentioned it before but it is all properly happening now. He is due out on 14th October, but it looks like he'll probably be early what with her getting big so early on and not having a grown a huge amount in the last month or so. I can't wait for it but at the same time am slightly scared for and of Kathryn. She's been a right moody bitch since I got back off holiday and seems to be going back to how she was before I went to Uni last year and doing the whole..."Let's be a total cow to your little sister and make her not want anything to do with you" so whether I'll be speaking to her when her little one is born is totally down to her. I wish I could say this behaviour is down to the pregnancy but she for some reason totally despises me and always feels a need to make it known. Jealousy is so stupid when she is jealous of what she's already done and had in her life. She can never accept that I can do things better than her or that I can do as well as her in life or have the confidence and enthusiasm she never had to do the things that she probably would have loved to do with her life. It is totally pathetic and I hope she doesn't treat her son ;like that when the time comes for him to do all the fun stuff in his life that she has prevented herself from doing by not using a condom or taking the pill. She really is the most bitter female I have ever had the misfortune to know.

I think that just about covers everything for now. Once more things pop op in my memory I'll be sure to note them. But until then, that is all.

Sunday, 1 June 2008

Alt. Scary Movies

Does it sound strange to say that I'm scared of watching certain films?

I guess not really. I refuse to watch "It" because of how it was portrayed to me as a child when my sister was watching it with a friend. I remember this event but only vaguely. I was told i wasn't allowed in the room while they were watching it, understandably when you think about it. But whenever someone is told they can't they will without a doubt. So I ran into the room watched a grand total of about 3 seconds of which I remember nothing. I do recall jumping onto the lap of either my sister, Jenny, or her friend and hiding my head in their shoulder.

But this is in a completely different vein. I had three films to watch whilst completing my household chores today, all of which I have seen before if only in part. "Big Lebowski", "Night at The Museum" and "The Science of Sleep". The first two are fine - I knew if I wanted to laugh out loud then these were perfect. However I was also aware that the third is a very good film, very amusing and generally a superb movie. Well from what I remember of it. This is where I started to get scared. Since the last time I saw him I have only watched one film we watched together and the only time I managed to watch it in full we were just lying with me in his arms and him whispering the lines before they were said. So I have quite happily watched The Godfather Part 1 since the last visit. However the one time we watched "The Science of Sleep" about 30 mins into it he had something else on his mind so for the majority of the film it was only the words that we could hear and since I don't speak fluent French or any Spanish I had a very broken story going on - him being the selfish bum he is was perfectly able to tune in and out if he so desired. That not being the point, if I watch this film I think that I will have pangs of pain as the memories of what happened when may be too much for me to handle.

I have happily come to the conclusion that it has ended and I don't get those jolts of happiness or flips and turns of the heart and tummy at the sight of him or form just knowing he is on-line and I can talk to him if I so wish. That doesnt stop me missing what has happened in the past though. And the smallest reminders make me feel so so sad it is unbelievable. Yet at the same time as happy as I was at the time. I don't miss him "now" so much as him "then". That makes sense, right?

Every time it comes to thinking of the summer I have such a mix of emotions. OK so I have the depressing outlook of someone who knows that something is so close yet so far at the same time. It's only 8 weeks til I leave work and only 9weeks til I leave the country for 23 days with Cece. OK so that is very good. But 8 weeks of work...1 week with the unbearable "her" then 3 weeks without her but this me and more of the "him" - the one who bends backwards! Yeah my way of saying it without saying it. so that is four weeks and then it's back to normality in the workplace for the other four weeks. But there is a new person to start in that time and also my saving grace for those few hours will go about 2 or 3 weeks before me. I genuinely don't know if I can last that long. 4 weeks is just about bearable. So maybe I will split it - 4 weeks til payday and the next instalment of funds is out of the way. The 4 weeks til it's over for good. Right so it is all going to be looking at the short-term. I managed it for all of March and April with Jérémie's unknowing help. I can do it with other focuses then like everyone coming home for summer.

That out of the way - I then have to think about what happens when the trip gets to the first stop in France. Planned arrival is 6th August and we leave on 9th. Originally this stop was planned to mean seeing Jérémie and him showing us around Annecy and Bourg-Saint-Maurice or wherever else he wanted to show us - well me. But now I don't know if he'll really want to be doing that. I have two months til I might, possibly see him again, which is bearable. But if it does happen what will actually happen. It will be the same hello I got the frst time I saw him sober - a kiss on each cheek and hopefully me not embarrassing myself by doing the hug and a kiss like last time. OK so that out of the way...well what if that isn't how it goes? What if it's the greeting I got on the second, third and fourth trips? That beautiful soft and stubbly close-mouthed delicate repeated kiss that makes me melt in an instance and at the same time makes me want to wrap myself around him. I'd be happy with that no surprise. But then there is the third option. It wouldn't be exactly the same but from the way those conversations have ended a simple "bonne nuit" well - that indicates a cold shoulder effect fright. Maybe it will be an awkward "Hello" or maybe "Salut, ça va? Venir entrée" There is no way of telling. Though I have managed to come up with numerous possible chains of events what with all this mindless working and empty weekends what else could I possibly think of!? Which brings me to what I think would be the worst outcome. He decides he doesn't want to see me at all and so never replies to messages saying when we'll be around or simply says he won't be available. What the hell then? Well I will take the lead; slag him off to high heavens; cry myself to sleep silently whilst Cece comforts me and makes me laugh and smile again. Then make a point of making it more amazing than he ever could.

That behind me - the plans so far for EUropea are turning out to be absolutely fabulous. My fantastic cousin, Clare and her amazing husband Matt, offered to put us up whilst in Madrid and showing us everything possible in two/three days. I really can't wait but I know the wait is worth it because that money is going to be what makes it all possible.

Well that's all for now.
Another confusing mind-slush up on the screen and out of the head.