Sunday, 4 May 2008

What To Do...?

My one way of focusing totally on anything but him has now become my total and utter downfall.

I could have got over him and forgotten him, I thought it was a possibility at least anyway until Saturday.

OK - so since the ranting and raving of it meaning nothing at all he replied to the email I sent. Was still slightly annoyed as he didn't reply til Friday afternoon and if the answer had been different I wouldn't have been able to see him but luckily for me I guess it was going to be a very short visit.

Saturday would be spent shopping with my mum for her Italy outfit and then in the afternoon it was a quick train ride up to Coventry about 1pm or 2pm. I could go and see my friends, as it was Marshall's birthday Saturday and Friday was Pete's so it seemed I could make a little more of the visit. Unfortunately there were no trains running from MK or Northampton or Rugby so it was coach connections the whole way which somehow managed to eat-up 3 hours of my time. Though I honestly wasn't too bothered, as it was getting me out of the house and away from serious tensions. I had serious doubts and thought I would probably leave Coventry crying. When I finally arrived at Singer Hall it was already 15.45, and if he hadn't been hungover he would have read my email and known to be around at 15.00 or at least to have let me know he would be out. But as there was no communication I had the worst case scenarios running through my head thinking that he was in bed with another girl and that was why he wasn't answering his door. It was his flat mate who told me he was very drunk the night before and not in til late so now I knew why I couldn't come the night before. I wasn't feeling good about seeing him at all. I called him to see where he was dreading what he would say. Turned out he was in the library studying but those doubts don't disappear so easily. Luckily DeeJay and Liz were around so I retreated back up stairs to try and not think about him. Though this was impossible as DeeJay I think needed time with Liz. Well, without me around anyway. We ended up going to see Marshall and playing outside for a bit. And then we went back upstairs for a little bit and I got a call from Jérémie to say he was back at his. OK, so he didn't have another girl in his bed!

I went down to him about 17.00 but it was the weirdest time I have ever spent with him. He opened the door and went straight back to his room saying "Come. come in!" There was no hello, no kiss no hug no nothing. In his room he was on MSN talking to some friends, so for half an hour I sat on his bed in silence staring out the window and wishing pretty much that I wasn't there. He wasn't being rude really, it was an old friend he hadn't spoken to in two years so I understand why he wanted to talk to him I just felt like I should have let him be for a bit. Then when we started talking it was nothing like normal, we spoke about my sister and "The News" and then everything else was him missing home. wanting to be back in France and being very excited about leaving in two weeks. I just wanted to cry, say goodbye and run back home.

I arranged for Tom, Pete and Marshall to all go over to DeeJay's at 18.00 so we could all finally be together for a little bit since the last time we were all together was New Year's. But I was with Jérémie and knew I had to be aorund him. So at 18.20 I sent DeeJay a text to say I wouldn't be there and went for a walk with Jérémie instead. It turned out Pete didn't turn up and Marshall was still at his. It was nice to just go and wander with Jérémie in with the warmth from the day and the setting sun. Then we went and got some dinner and went back to his about 19.20. But it was all so strange. We didn't seem like we were together. We were walking and talking but with a distance between us. There was absolutely no physical contact other than play fighting and his rubbing of my arm now and again. Then we had another one of those conversations about money. Which goes along the lines of "You shouldn't have done that", from him. And my lame reply of "Sorry, but it's just the way I am." My mistake - paying for his dinner which was all of £3 in total. It was all so weird. After we'd finished eating we were sitting on the table chatting and I heard Tom and Marshall so I leant out of the window and shouted them over. I know it probably seemed rude of me but I chatted to Tom for a couple of minutes through the window. When I turned back in Jérémie looked a little annoyed with me so I explained that Tom was like an older brother to me and that I hadn't seen him for a bit (OK, a week isn't long but when you do fuck all with your life these little things matter). This seemed to ease his mind a little and we started talking about hid friends and some of his funny stories. When I was explaining about Pete and Marshall's birthdays he asked if there was going to be a party that night and then went to offer that I could come back to his room if I was staying over but I kind of cut him off midway and said I was going home that day. Maybe that was a bit of a mistake too but it felt so strange on my part though I don't think it was quite the same for him. So he asked what time I had to leave and I just looked at the time and said "Probably now."

I think I just blunted everything but it just, well like I said, felt all wrong and uncomfortable and not quite right. Every time I went near him and rubbed his back or gave him a hug there was no reciprocation from him. Absolutely none. So after my last comment he went and got some bits and arranged to meet a friend at the library to do some work whilst I went up to say bye to Liz and DeeJay. DeeJay seemed annoyed with me for not having come up when the guys had come over but I was feeling so odd I just wanted to leave, so I didn't hang on for any real explanation or conversation.

We walked the normal way over to the taxi rank and as we were walking a little further along than usual I stopped him so I could go over to get in a taxi but he seemed a little insulted by me saying that as he wanted to walk me to the train station. I would have thought he wanted to get to the library as soon as he could but maybe there was still something so we walked the 20 minutes to the station. Almost the entire walk once we got to the central shopping area was in total silence. We walked apart from each other again drifting along. Then when I tried to make conversation he looked confused and lost "I'm sorry, my mind was in a park in Lyon." I'd crashed him and his day-dreams. He kept apologising to me for not having his mind in the present. He walked me into the station gave me a really heart-felt squeezing hug. I kissed him on the cheek and then he let go. "Are you OK?", I ask. He smiles and says yes. "Are you sure?", there is something not right with him and I know what it is but he just nods and smiles again. Then it's "See you" and he walks off. That was the end wasn't it?

He showed me that he had Facebook now when I went down to his room and he was quite excited. He asked me to add him and said that I had to tell him on facebook when I got to France. I don't know if I mentioned it at all earlier but he told me I should come and see him when I'm in France in the summer. I could stay with him if I try to come when his parents aren't there. Or come anyway and he would try and get one of his friends to let me stay with them. He's a real sweet guy. So as soon as I got back home at midnight I added him and he almost instantly accepted but I was tired so I sent him a quick wall post and then went to bed.

This morning I checked to see if he'd replied but no!

I went to church and felt all strange again but got through it a bit better. Then I went to the city centre and met Cece for coffee at 13.30. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together just catching up and gossiping and wandering around the centre. I told her about my weird day in Coventry and explained all the weirdness of it to her. Then when we got back to hers she went on facebook and I had "suggested" that Jérémie add her. So we went and checked out his page - still no reply to my wall post. We had dinner together, watched a film and just had a really good girlie day.

But then I got home went on Facebook after having sent a private mail message to him winding him up about a joke we have but there was no reply to this. Then I noticed someone had tagged him in some photos from a party, so I thought I'd take a look. So now I'm doing a Katy and have become a Facebook stalker. The three photos consisted of him with an arm round some girl, then him holding hands with her whilst the arm is round the neck and singing together and the last of just him and his beautiful laughing face. And now all I want to do is cry and wallow in my own misery again. I just want the summer to come so I can leave work and run away to Europe with Cece.

It turns out I fell so hard in love with him that I blocked it out from myself and now I have to be a hard-skinned bitch and just forget it all otherwise I will spend the next 2 months crying my heart out and losing every ounce of feeling I still possess. Then go on summer vacation and probably end up becoming the whore my mother always th0ught I was anyway. Please let this time pass quickly.