Sunday, 27 April 2008

Venting Frustration

The most boring weekend in the existence of my past two months has been won hands down by this one!

OK - the time when I wasn't in the house like Friday night, Saturday afternoon/evening and Sunday afternoon were fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself but dear me I forgot how boring my family are and how little I enjoy their company nowadays. Not disliking them in anyway but I really do need a break from them and unfortunately I think my frequent "break" has officially come to an end.

But that is not why I feel the desperate need to vent myself thoughts this evening. I've recently been reading "Atonement" by Ian McEwan. I saw the film adaptation in the summer with my parents and after ,months of my mother trying to make me read the original novel I finally got down to it. As I already know the storyline it was not going to be a fantastic read as all the twists and turns I know already. But the style in which it is written intrigued me and really kept me reading. I've read half of the book but I refuse to carry on reading it. I had completely forgotten how much hatred I hold for the main character in this story. I just want to kill her or smack her about the face a few times and tell her to stop being so god damn selfish and self-righteous because she knows fuck all about real-life. She doesn't understand the situations she eavesdrops on and doesn't deserve tyo be a part of them in any way. I finally reached my limit with her and have had to stop reading because I know I will feel the most outrageous detest for this girl if I carry on any further. Not only her but her stupid bloody cousin who in my opinion deserves the ""horrific ordeal she is put through at such a young age due to what I know will come later and also from her general persona.

I have never had to put a book down. And what annoys me about it even more is that I know there are parts to come which I will wholly enjoy reading but I cannot physically bring myself to read the other parts.

This year is seeming to be the year for my first-times in all shapes and sizes - first time I've ever walked out on a movie at the cinema due to how shockingly shit it was, first book I have been unable to complete out of boredom (Sophie's World), first book that has made me so angry that I can't complete it along with a whole conglomeration of other things which seem to be happening in my life and family life at the moment.

Oh well - another boring-arse week at work is to start and the annoying management twats who I have to suffer until Weds/Thurs/Fri when my saving light returns to my life. Oh Jen, I don't know how you cope on Saturdays.

The hidden thing driving all these emotion - I have realise I have lost my religious connection as my dead feeling in mass this morning confirmed the worst for me. I don't know what to do to get it back. The sins I have committed are ones I am happy to have undergone, so speaking to a priest and asking forgiveness is totally out of the question. As well as this the guy who I thought I was falling for no longer makes me feel the same way. I have not lost any feelings for him, I still miss him and want to be around him but I have come to accept that nothing is to come of our "thing" and I don't feel any regret or anything like that but at the same time I now just kind of want him to hurry up and go back to France so that I know where I stand in life and I can get down to the grizzly tedious life which I am currently leading. And in no way am I feeling depressed or down about any of it. It is fact and a reality of life which does not bother me but I want to be able to say it all with out someone telling me that it's only because I haven't seen him. As I felt this coming on last weekend and didn't feel quite the same when I left or when I arrived there. It is all just a little odd for me as I have been the emotional person forever, falling in love too quickly becoming attached far too easily to guys and now for once when I probably have every reason to I haven't and don't wish to either. But I do like him and think him an awesome guy and am very happy to have spent the time I have with him and to have done what I have with him. I hold no regrets of the last two months. I have enjoyed them no end and wouldn't change them for the world.

Now I have lost where I am heading with any of this but feel like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you.