Sunday, 27 April 2008

Venting Frustration

The most boring weekend in the existence of my past two months has been won hands down by this one!

OK - the time when I wasn't in the house like Friday night, Saturday afternoon/evening and Sunday afternoon were fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself but dear me I forgot how boring my family are and how little I enjoy their company nowadays. Not disliking them in anyway but I really do need a break from them and unfortunately I think my frequent "break" has officially come to an end.

But that is not why I feel the desperate need to vent myself thoughts this evening. I've recently been reading "Atonement" by Ian McEwan. I saw the film adaptation in the summer with my parents and after ,months of my mother trying to make me read the original novel I finally got down to it. As I already know the storyline it was not going to be a fantastic read as all the twists and turns I know already. But the style in which it is written intrigued me and really kept me reading. I've read half of the book but I refuse to carry on reading it. I had completely forgotten how much hatred I hold for the main character in this story. I just want to kill her or smack her about the face a few times and tell her to stop being so god damn selfish and self-righteous because she knows fuck all about real-life. She doesn't understand the situations she eavesdrops on and doesn't deserve tyo be a part of them in any way. I finally reached my limit with her and have had to stop reading because I know I will feel the most outrageous detest for this girl if I carry on any further. Not only her but her stupid bloody cousin who in my opinion deserves the ""horrific ordeal she is put through at such a young age due to what I know will come later and also from her general persona.

I have never had to put a book down. And what annoys me about it even more is that I know there are parts to come which I will wholly enjoy reading but I cannot physically bring myself to read the other parts.

This year is seeming to be the year for my first-times in all shapes and sizes - first time I've ever walked out on a movie at the cinema due to how shockingly shit it was, first book I have been unable to complete out of boredom (Sophie's World), first book that has made me so angry that I can't complete it along with a whole conglomeration of other things which seem to be happening in my life and family life at the moment.

Oh well - another boring-arse week at work is to start and the annoying management twats who I have to suffer until Weds/Thurs/Fri when my saving light returns to my life. Oh Jen, I don't know how you cope on Saturdays.

The hidden thing driving all these emotion - I have realise I have lost my religious connection as my dead feeling in mass this morning confirmed the worst for me. I don't know what to do to get it back. The sins I have committed are ones I am happy to have undergone, so speaking to a priest and asking forgiveness is totally out of the question. As well as this the guy who I thought I was falling for no longer makes me feel the same way. I have not lost any feelings for him, I still miss him and want to be around him but I have come to accept that nothing is to come of our "thing" and I don't feel any regret or anything like that but at the same time I now just kind of want him to hurry up and go back to France so that I know where I stand in life and I can get down to the grizzly tedious life which I am currently leading. And in no way am I feeling depressed or down about any of it. It is fact and a reality of life which does not bother me but I want to be able to say it all with out someone telling me that it's only because I haven't seen him. As I felt this coming on last weekend and didn't feel quite the same when I left or when I arrived there. It is all just a little odd for me as I have been the emotional person forever, falling in love too quickly becoming attached far too easily to guys and now for once when I probably have every reason to I haven't and don't wish to either. But I do like him and think him an awesome guy and am very happy to have spent the time I have with him and to have done what I have with him. I hold no regrets of the last two months. I have enjoyed them no end and wouldn't change them for the world.

Now I have lost where I am heading with any of this but feel like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you.

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Somebody Help

I am only 3 days into my 12 long struggle and I haven't been allowed to even speak to him. All I keep doing iss listening to his music and thinking about the past few visits and trying my hardest to think positively about what is to come. Which isn't too difficult it wasn't for the fact I had a sudden start on Monday evening. I realised I am shit-scared of going back to Uni again and not sure if I want to go to Manchester. In my heart I am saying I want to be in Coventry fdoing English and Law. But in my head I know that is only because of the hope that Jérémie will be there and it will make visits easier. Who said anything about it lasting that long. When he goes back to France I can't expect him to come back to me. Neither can I assume that I won't have moved on 2 months down the line. Highly unlikely, but a possibility nonetheless. Ah, working in a very quiet retail shop doesn't help with the whole thinking thing and keeping him of the brain. 24/7 he is in my thoughts usually me trying not to think about him. But I won't say it's love because I don't want to submit myself to that. Not yet. Not so early on. Maybe if things are still going in September the word my slip out more readily.

So this is the song that makes me smile, cry and feel happy about every little thing I can think of.

Thank you for sending me this one. You don't know what it does to me.

The original that gets me every time:

The English Version with a different meaning:

So sweet, so beautiful
Everyday like a queen on her throne
Don't nobody knows how she feels
Aicha, Lady one day it will be real

She moves, she moves like a breeze
I swear I can't get her out of my dreams
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes


Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life


She holds her child to her heart
Makes her feel like she is blessed from above
Falls asleep underneath her sweet tears
Her lullaby fades away with his tears



She needs somebody to lean on
Someone body, mind & soul
To take her hand, to take her world
And show her the time of her life, so true
Throw the pain away for good
No more contemplating boo


Lord knows the way she feels
Everyday in his name she begins
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes
Aicha Aicha - ecoute moi


Monday, 21 April 2008

69 over 420!?

I was so worried about this weekend not being quite as good as they have been previously. I think I have just got myself into thinking this just to make it all the better. But I truly convince myself that I will be disappointed. And it felt more real than ever on Saturday.

I went up to Coventry in the afternoon with Liz and DeeJay as it was her turn to go up there and we had gone for lunch with Tom ealier to celebrate Liz and Tom's birthday. It was a good way to start the day actually. I felt relaxed and happy with home-life and knew I was getting a free-ride up to see Jérémie which is never a bad thing. But when we got there he didn't answer his buzzer quite as quickly as I probably was willing to wait, so I went up to DeeJay's and sat smoking with Liz and him for a bit. Then messaged Jérémie to let him know I was there and went down to see him. I was really worried he had gone out or had decided against me or something. I think I still find it hard to believe that I'm with him in anyway let alone this way.

But as soon as I saw him I got that little flutter and just slotted back into the routine. We watched a pretty cool film recommended by DeeJay and Liz "The Science of Sleep". And for what I actually watched of was good. Though I think that's another good movie I will have to watch again. He is a frisky guy and regardless of what is on the screen he knows what he prefers I guess. Hehee

We went to bed really early again this week but neither of us slept we just lay there in silence. It was the strangest thing. Then about an hour later I got up and he seemed really worried about where I was going. I think toilet breaks need to be before bedtime as it always worries him. Though it still makes me laugh and is good ammunition to wind him up just a little. I barely slept that night, I think it was because of how we slept just next to each other - i cocooned myself in his blanket leaving him the duvet, which I don't think he was too keen on as he kept trying to hold me but I was pretty much stuck in one position - flat on my back and fully covered!

Sunday morning/afternoon was very lazy. Jérémie claimed he would get up earlier than me to do his revision and prep work for his finals, which was fine by me, but he did nothing of the sort. I didn't even interfere with his concentration either! But he clearly didn't feel in the right frame of mind to be working. So after making me a very nice lunch we watched "The Simpsons" in french. It is the weirdest thing to watch in another language. You get so used to the characters voices that the accent change just freaks me out. As it was 4/20 on Sunday Liz and DeeJay invited us to spark up with them in celebration. So at about 1.30 I went and got washed and the rest didn't quite pan out how I planned. Thinking coming back in a towel would hint at Jérémie going in for shower it just ended in implying something else. 69 took-over and we missed 4/20 for it. But I must say it was totally worth it apart from needing another shower afterwards and messing my hair. Seriously, wet hair drying when you're doing "that" is not recommended. lol

We went up to DeeJay's a bit before 5 and enjoyed some 4/20 celebrations but left about an hour later. I intended on leaving at 6pm but eneded up lying across Jérémie's legs as we reminisced about out childhoods. I love just lying and talking with him, and listening to his stories. He always shocks me with what he says. I find some of it hard to believe, and some of it just creases me. I wish those weekends could last forever but alas they never do. So we walked down to that taxi rank where I had the strangest goodbye. A kiss followed by a childish protesting moan from me, him leaning in for another kiss and me backing out holding his hand amd then walking away. His parting words "I want to see you cross the road safely". More than ever I wish I didn't have to leave as it will be two more weeks before I see him again and communication will be small until the presentation is over tomorrow and still less than usual as he has to prepare for his finals. However much I wish I could be with him at the weekend coming I know his finals are very much so the most important thing for him as they would be for me.

Ay nako - this will be a hard 12 days that lay ahead of me. But I must watch myself as the conversations I've had with him make me know that I can't expect much out of this. It isn't fair on either of us as his home is France and he is at a pinnacle point in his life as I will be in mine shortly. But, i can't always help myself from falling.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

How can you...?

My parents came home this evening after their long weekend down in Wales with Pam. I thought it would be nice to see them again and that they might even start showing some interest. But clearly they are set in their ways on this one.

Over the weekend I saw Jérémie, and I managed to spend part of the time with him at my own home so now I feel we are starting to balance out on that one. Unfortunately for him Jenny hadn't gone away this weekend as I had hoped. Kat had gone off down to Portsmouth making me think I was in luck but the one person who you never want people to meet...put it this way. That member of your family you like to leave til the end of introductions and avoid conversations about. Well that is my sister and she isn't exactly easy to miss or avoid in person. The poor guy was submitted to her and her weird-ass friends on Sunday. I wish she would just grow-up and move out. She is just...ARGH!
But regardless of that I think it was a really lovely weekend. We went over to Liz's for her party, as it is her birthday this week. And he got to meet my closest friends which went incredibly well. He was so relaxed in conversation with them all it made me so happy. Sunday was spent at mine watching films and French TV as is the custom! But I've never felt so at a loss as when I took him to the train station. I wanted to be able to stand until the train came and took him but it's not possible at MKC (gay station) but that moment at the barriers...ay nako! I miss him like crazy this week and just can't wait for the boredom to peeter away into another blissful weekend with him.

When my parents arrived home this evening the first thing I wanted to do was show them a picture of Jérémie, as I now finally have one (thank you DeeJay, even if I do look a state!). And t was such a let-down when my mum's reaction was nothing. She didn't say one thing other than, it's not a very good angle to see him, as it is one of those "natural" shots. And that was the end of the conversation. Neither parent asked how the weekend was for me. What did I get up to or even how my day was today. But as soon as Kat came downstairs "How was Portsmouth? Did you enjoy it?" It makes me so mad to know that they will freely discuss every aspect of my life with everyone apart from me it seems. They have no reason why to not want to ask questions. I'm not hiding anything from them and I've made a point of them knowing that as it seems to hurt them so very much. A simple question like the everyday sort can't really be that hard can it?

Thursday, 10 April 2008

It's That Time

This is the first week that I haven't spoken to him at least four times since I left him on Sunday and although I'm not pining it is annoying the hell out of me that I can't contact him until Friday night. Not that I have anyting to say, just the fact that I don't have the option to not say anything.
I've restrained myself and only sent two emails. One on Monday and one this evening. But I feel so down at the moment.

I hate female hormones they suck!

After spending the day feeling really rough and just wanted to snuggled down into bed regardless of the fact that I was wide-awake, I came home to listen to my daily installment of reminders and just felt bitter and annoyed. I don't care at this moment if I never speak to him again just for the pure fact that I can't right now. And I want him not to come on Saturday so that I can be annoyed with him for a reason but at the same time I want with all my heart for him to come here. I think I would feel thoroughly let down if he says no. But now - I want to be able to scream and cry at someone or something. I want to be in his arms and weeping against his chest as he holds my head for no apperent reason.

Oh yeah, and I have broken my PC. Clever little thing I am! Pulled the plug on it so I don't even have anything to entertain me and divert my attention when I go to bed now other than old kids films which keep me awake. Oh for goodness sake. Why did I take a break. I should have just carried on through the cylce and then all this would be slightly better.

I wish I was having an argument with my mother right now. I would feel so much better for it I am sure. And I have plenty of pent up frustration for her. Oh my goodness get a grip on yourself you pathetic female and just go to bed or eat some bloody chocolate. If you were even hungry which you aren't. Grrrr