Alt. Scary Movies

Does it sound strange to say that I'm scared of watching certain films?

I guess not really. I refuse to watch "It" because of how it was portrayed to me as a child when my sister was watching it with a friend. I remember this event but only vaguely. I was told i wasn't allowed in the room while they were watching it, understandably when you think about it. But whenever someone is told they can't they will without a doubt. So I ran into the room watched a grand total of about 3 seconds of which I remember nothing. I do recall jumping onto the lap of either my sister, Jenny, or her friend and hiding my head in their shoulder.

But this is in a completely different vein. I had three films to watch whilst completing my household chores today, all of which I have seen before if only in part. "Big Lebowski", "Night at The Museum" and "The Science of Sleep". The first two are fine - I knew if I wanted to laugh out loud then these were perfect. However I was also aware that the third is a very good film, very amusing and generally a superb movie. Well from what I remember of it. This is where I started to get scared. Since the last time I saw him I have only watched one film we watched together and the only time I managed to watch it in full we were just lying with me in his arms and him whispering the lines before they were said. So I have quite happily watched The Godfather Part 1 since the last visit. However the one time we watched "The Science of Sleep" about 30 mins into it he had something else on his mind so for the majority of the film it was only the words that we could hear and since I don't speak fluent French or any Spanish I had a very broken story going on - him being the selfish bum he is was perfectly able to tune in and out if he so desired. That not being the point, if I watch this film I think that I will have pangs of pain as the memories of what happened when may be too much for me to handle.

I have happily come to the conclusion that it has ended and I don't get those jolts of happiness or flips and turns of the heart and tummy at the sight of him or form just knowing he is on-line and I can talk to him if I so wish. That doesnt stop me missing what has happened in the past though. And the smallest reminders make me feel so so sad it is unbelievable. Yet at the same time as happy as I was at the time. I don't miss him "now" so much as him "then". That makes sense, right?

Every time it comes to thinking of the summer I have such a mix of emotions. OK so I have the depressing outlook of someone who knows that something is so close yet so far at the same time. It's only 8 weeks til I leave work and only 9weeks til I leave the country for 23 days with Cece. OK so that is very good. But 8 weeks of work...1 week with the unbearable "her" then 3 weeks without her but this me and more of the "him" - the one who bends backwards! Yeah my way of saying it without saying it. so that is four weeks and then it's back to normality in the workplace for the other four weeks. But there is a new person to start in that time and also my saving grace for those few hours will go about 2 or 3 weeks before me. I genuinely don't know if I can last that long. 4 weeks is just about bearable. So maybe I will split it - 4 weeks til payday and the next instalment of funds is out of the way. The 4 weeks til it's over for good. Right so it is all going to be looking at the short-term. I managed it for all of March and April with Jérémie's unknowing help. I can do it with other focuses then like everyone coming home for summer.

That out of the way - I then have to think about what happens when the trip gets to the first stop in France. Planned arrival is 6th August and we leave on 9th. Originally this stop was planned to mean seeing Jérémie and him showing us around Annecy and Bourg-Saint-Maurice or wherever else he wanted to show us - well me. But now I don't know if he'll really want to be doing that. I have two months til I might, possibly see him again, which is bearable. But if it does happen what will actually happen. It will be the same hello I got the frst time I saw him sober - a kiss on each cheek and hopefully me not embarrassing myself by doing the hug and a kiss like last time. OK so that out of the way...well what if that isn't how it goes? What if it's the greeting I got on the second, third and fourth trips? That beautiful soft and stubbly close-mouthed delicate repeated kiss that makes me melt in an instance and at the same time makes me want to wrap myself around him. I'd be happy with that no surprise. But then there is the third option. It wouldn't be exactly the same but from the way those conversations have ended a simple "bonne nuit" well - that indicates a cold shoulder effect fright. Maybe it will be an awkward "Hello" or maybe "Salut, ça va? Venir entrée" There is no way of telling. Though I have managed to come up with numerous possible chains of events what with all this mindless working and empty weekends what else could I possibly think of!? Which brings me to what I think would be the worst outcome. He decides he doesn't want to see me at all and so never replies to messages saying when we'll be around or simply says he won't be available. What the hell then? Well I will take the lead; slag him off to high heavens; cry myself to sleep silently whilst Cece comforts me and makes me laugh and smile again. Then make a point of making it more amazing than he ever could.

That behind me - the plans so far for EUropea are turning out to be absolutely fabulous. My fantastic cousin, Clare and her amazing husband Matt, offered to put us up whilst in Madrid and showing us everything possible in two/three days. I really can't wait but I know the wait is worth it because that money is going to be what makes it all possible.

Well that's all for now.
Another confusing mind-slush up on the screen and out of the head.