Thursday, 22 May 2008

The Real Thing

That's how you know it's the real thing isn't it!?

When I see a photo or think of an intimate moment it physically hurts to know I probably won't see him. Standing in work today I was thinking about different visits and what's been said and done. Just those simple thoughts caused me a really bad heart pain that made me want to double-up and cry. But I managed to make my mind wander onto different things to top those pains.

Sitting on the internet tonight I let myself fall and decided to look at what's been going on. Anything new!? Some new pictures. Seeing that face, knowing when I have or haven't seen that expression made my tummy hurt but in the same place that it had just been fluttering at seeing him. Then the tears welled back up again.

How can something so good hurt so bad before anything "real" has even happened?

I never meant for that to happen.

Monday, 19 May 2008

Break It Down

Sometimes I wish I didn't remember things that I was never meant to know.
Sometimes I hope against hope, that which I am certain of as the truth is not so.
Unfortunately for me that is all they will ever be. Until, maybe, it no longer matters.

I spent this weekend relaxing with my favourite girl in the world up in Manchester. There were no moments of awkward silence or hopeful ends but laughter gossip and confidences. I wsh it coiuld have lasted longer. Cecilia is the most beautiful person I know. Both inside and out she shows no ugly qualities and always help you hide away your own.

There are times when I think those silly ideas of me that appear due to whatever reason should be acted upon. Twice in about the space of 5 minutes I could have made a choice that would have made me feel a lot better about certain things yet I didn't. I don't regret this though. I have always been a firm believer that even if you are not happy with a result or action you should never regret it because at some point you will learn from it all.

Without lessons where would be?

I tell lies a lot, it is not a trait which I would like to make public knowledge or first-hand knowledge, as it would take too much time to explain why I do it. It is not always selfish reasons, I often think that it is better to let the truth lay low when you can read a situation well enough to know that a lie won't hurt at any point, or just as much as the truth could in time.

I have learned to hold back the tears because of one person and I owe them thanks however they will never get that directly. They would not understand or believe me for it and the way in which they did it may not be something they are aware of even.

Sometimes secrets are a lie because they are the lack of truth and therefore surely that is what makes one!?

Emotions are rife at this point in my life and I can't get a grap on them. Every time I make an effort to do so, I get confused and send out the wrong messages to those around me. I don't know what these messages are though as I do not fully comprehend what it is I am doing just as I do not know the feelings.

One day it will make sense.
One day maybe I will be the one making this happen to another.

Saturday, 10 May 2008


OK, after a bad start to the week I managed to work my way out of my little ditch of emotions and have come out on top. And all thanks is going to my work-mates. They have had an earful each on my current dilemma and all of them have come-up with the same answer which shocked me but dawned realisation on my eyes.

Crying my eyes out was a good way of knowing that I do really have feelings for him but also those feelings are in no way gonna be "Love". He will always hold a soft spot until I get over him or decide he has something wrong with him (not gonna be happening anytime soon then!). I came to the conclusion that he had "cheated" on me (if that's possible in a non-est. relationship) but then the next day was a little shocked at how easily led my mind is as I thought about it again. He was a a party with all his French friends and they were singing, not even facing each other. I just want him to hurt me so I can be annoyed and upset for real reasons and then go onto something and someone new, even though that would only be to make life easier on me of course.

Well the week went by and all my favourite people in work eventually came in and we got discuss our lives and stuff and each asked about how things were with Jérémie and so I explained to each how it is basically over and about the weird weekend and then the random drop-in of being invited to see him over the summer. All of them gave that same response of "What!? After everything on Saturday?" And then proceeded to "Maybe he is just distancing himself to make it easier for when he's in France" and it made me think that I truly have been utterly selfish about the whole thing.

Friday was my star boy's appearance and his gentlemanly advice and experience to help me out.
My kidboy - Rob, told me not to talk to him unless he started a conversation, not to put myself on display and sale for him when I know I will just be hurt by it all regardless of what happens and then told me I mustn't ask to see him again now. So my first weekend of not asking him if I can go and see him, and my plan to test myself to the extreme came into play. I went to Coventry this afternoon with my sister, Kat, to do some much needed shopping. As there were train problems yet again, we couldn't go to Bedford for Primark, Watford is far enough that we might as well go to London so that was out of the question, and my other sister, Jenny, was going to Northampton so that blasted that Primark out of the water. My hopes were to come true. So Kat and I headed up to Cov for some retail therapy. We spent the whole afternoon there, got close to heading nearer to Singer Hall but headed away luckily and I didn't once phone or text Jérémie to say I was there or to ask if he was available. I got that close and didn't cave-in and really enjoyed my day actually.

So Phase One has been successful and I now have next weekend in Manchester so that will be a no go for Coventry luckily. And then I'm home and dry I think.

Though I am happy to keep contact and visit him in the summer if he's still up for it. Just see how things are going really.

I have some pretty blissful memories to reminisce over if I do miss him anyway so I think that is how it will go. That doesn't seem rude or mean or anything does it!? Didn't think so =D

Song of the day: "Just" ~ Mark Ronson
Listening to: "Version" ~ Mark Ronson
Readnig: "Fifth Elephant" ~ Terry Pratchett

Sunday, 4 May 2008

What To Do...?

My one way of focusing totally on anything but him has now become my total and utter downfall.

I could have got over him and forgotten him, I thought it was a possibility at least anyway until Saturday.

OK - so since the ranting and raving of it meaning nothing at all he replied to the email I sent. Was still slightly annoyed as he didn't reply til Friday afternoon and if the answer had been different I wouldn't have been able to see him but luckily for me I guess it was going to be a very short visit.

Saturday would be spent shopping with my mum for her Italy outfit and then in the afternoon it was a quick train ride up to Coventry about 1pm or 2pm. I could go and see my friends, as it was Marshall's birthday Saturday and Friday was Pete's so it seemed I could make a little more of the visit. Unfortunately there were no trains running from MK or Northampton or Rugby so it was coach connections the whole way which somehow managed to eat-up 3 hours of my time. Though I honestly wasn't too bothered, as it was getting me out of the house and away from serious tensions. I had serious doubts and thought I would probably leave Coventry crying. When I finally arrived at Singer Hall it was already 15.45, and if he hadn't been hungover he would have read my email and known to be around at 15.00 or at least to have let me know he would be out. But as there was no communication I had the worst case scenarios running through my head thinking that he was in bed with another girl and that was why he wasn't answering his door. It was his flat mate who told me he was very drunk the night before and not in til late so now I knew why I couldn't come the night before. I wasn't feeling good about seeing him at all. I called him to see where he was dreading what he would say. Turned out he was in the library studying but those doubts don't disappear so easily. Luckily DeeJay and Liz were around so I retreated back up stairs to try and not think about him. Though this was impossible as DeeJay I think needed time with Liz. Well, without me around anyway. We ended up going to see Marshall and playing outside for a bit. And then we went back upstairs for a little bit and I got a call from Jérémie to say he was back at his. OK, so he didn't have another girl in his bed!

I went down to him about 17.00 but it was the weirdest time I have ever spent with him. He opened the door and went straight back to his room saying "Come. come in!" There was no hello, no kiss no hug no nothing. In his room he was on MSN talking to some friends, so for half an hour I sat on his bed in silence staring out the window and wishing pretty much that I wasn't there. He wasn't being rude really, it was an old friend he hadn't spoken to in two years so I understand why he wanted to talk to him I just felt like I should have let him be for a bit. Then when we started talking it was nothing like normal, we spoke about my sister and "The News" and then everything else was him missing home. wanting to be back in France and being very excited about leaving in two weeks. I just wanted to cry, say goodbye and run back home.

I arranged for Tom, Pete and Marshall to all go over to DeeJay's at 18.00 so we could all finally be together for a little bit since the last time we were all together was New Year's. But I was with Jérémie and knew I had to be aorund him. So at 18.20 I sent DeeJay a text to say I wouldn't be there and went for a walk with Jérémie instead. It turned out Pete didn't turn up and Marshall was still at his. It was nice to just go and wander with Jérémie in with the warmth from the day and the setting sun. Then we went and got some dinner and went back to his about 19.20. But it was all so strange. We didn't seem like we were together. We were walking and talking but with a distance between us. There was absolutely no physical contact other than play fighting and his rubbing of my arm now and again. Then we had another one of those conversations about money. Which goes along the lines of "You shouldn't have done that", from him. And my lame reply of "Sorry, but it's just the way I am." My mistake - paying for his dinner which was all of £3 in total. It was all so weird. After we'd finished eating we were sitting on the table chatting and I heard Tom and Marshall so I leant out of the window and shouted them over. I know it probably seemed rude of me but I chatted to Tom for a couple of minutes through the window. When I turned back in Jérémie looked a little annoyed with me so I explained that Tom was like an older brother to me and that I hadn't seen him for a bit (OK, a week isn't long but when you do fuck all with your life these little things matter). This seemed to ease his mind a little and we started talking about hid friends and some of his funny stories. When I was explaining about Pete and Marshall's birthdays he asked if there was going to be a party that night and then went to offer that I could come back to his room if I was staying over but I kind of cut him off midway and said I was going home that day. Maybe that was a bit of a mistake too but it felt so strange on my part though I don't think it was quite the same for him. So he asked what time I had to leave and I just looked at the time and said "Probably now."

I think I just blunted everything but it just, well like I said, felt all wrong and uncomfortable and not quite right. Every time I went near him and rubbed his back or gave him a hug there was no reciprocation from him. Absolutely none. So after my last comment he went and got some bits and arranged to meet a friend at the library to do some work whilst I went up to say bye to Liz and DeeJay. DeeJay seemed annoyed with me for not having come up when the guys had come over but I was feeling so odd I just wanted to leave, so I didn't hang on for any real explanation or conversation.

We walked the normal way over to the taxi rank and as we were walking a little further along than usual I stopped him so I could go over to get in a taxi but he seemed a little insulted by me saying that as he wanted to walk me to the train station. I would have thought he wanted to get to the library as soon as he could but maybe there was still something so we walked the 20 minutes to the station. Almost the entire walk once we got to the central shopping area was in total silence. We walked apart from each other again drifting along. Then when I tried to make conversation he looked confused and lost "I'm sorry, my mind was in a park in Lyon." I'd crashed him and his day-dreams. He kept apologising to me for not having his mind in the present. He walked me into the station gave me a really heart-felt squeezing hug. I kissed him on the cheek and then he let go. "Are you OK?", I ask. He smiles and says yes. "Are you sure?", there is something not right with him and I know what it is but he just nods and smiles again. Then it's "See you" and he walks off. That was the end wasn't it?

He showed me that he had Facebook now when I went down to his room and he was quite excited. He asked me to add him and said that I had to tell him on facebook when I got to France. I don't know if I mentioned it at all earlier but he told me I should come and see him when I'm in France in the summer. I could stay with him if I try to come when his parents aren't there. Or come anyway and he would try and get one of his friends to let me stay with them. He's a real sweet guy. So as soon as I got back home at midnight I added him and he almost instantly accepted but I was tired so I sent him a quick wall post and then went to bed.

This morning I checked to see if he'd replied but no!

I went to church and felt all strange again but got through it a bit better. Then I went to the city centre and met Cece for coffee at 13.30. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening together just catching up and gossiping and wandering around the centre. I told her about my weird day in Coventry and explained all the weirdness of it to her. Then when we got back to hers she went on facebook and I had "suggested" that Jérémie add her. So we went and checked out his page - still no reply to my wall post. We had dinner together, watched a film and just had a really good girlie day.

But then I got home went on Facebook after having sent a private mail message to him winding him up about a joke we have but there was no reply to this. Then I noticed someone had tagged him in some photos from a party, so I thought I'd take a look. So now I'm doing a Katy and have become a Facebook stalker. The three photos consisted of him with an arm round some girl, then him holding hands with her whilst the arm is round the neck and singing together and the last of just him and his beautiful laughing face. And now all I want to do is cry and wallow in my own misery again. I just want the summer to come so I can leave work and run away to Europe with Cece.

It turns out I fell so hard in love with him that I blocked it out from myself and now I have to be a hard-skinned bitch and just forget it all otherwise I will spend the next 2 months crying my heart out and losing every ounce of feeling I still possess. Then go on summer vacation and probably end up becoming the whore my mother always th0ught I was anyway. Please let this time pass quickly.

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Pure Self Pity

I can’t believe I am allowing myself to cry over this.

For the first time in ages I’ve seen how good my family is. They really do stick together when you need then to the most. And when I say thins I mean my close, immediate family.

Kat just came into my room just to check how I am because she said I’ve been really quiet recently. I guess I have been really. I have totally retracted into myself over the last week or so. The worst part of it is I know exactly why I have done this and I wish I hadn’t now.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks for no apparent reason. Well, of course there is a reason and it’s been on my mind 24/7 since Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I seem to have managed to convince myself into believing I have a relationship with someone who I can’t possibly have one with. There is too much piled up against it to allow it to happen, yet regardless of this fact, knowing that I have someone and something to look forward to at the end of my week. Nothing is going to come of this and now I think about it I’m not sure I even want anything to come of it. I wish he would just speak to me. I looked into my sent-box on my email account this evening. Out of 8 emails sent to him, one was in reply and one was replied to. You’d think I’d learn my lesson and just leave it. But it isn’t like there is nothing there. Well, before there was something anyway. I think that was the last visit and I probably the last proper conversation. I would like very much to see him again but I know that if I do it will cause me to build him up more so. He isn’t mean, he hasn’t tricked me or lead me on or anything which is why I don’t want to be crying over him. This is totally my own fault and he has done nothing to encourage me to be so latched on.

I wish I could talk to Kat about this but I know I’m just going to cry as I am now. And she certainly doesn’t need the hassle of me crying over a few good fucks, some long conversations and 4 or 5 enjoyable weekends. It’s just how it goes.

And now I’m worrying that I’m over-reacting with the whole situation because if he actually gets in touch with me before tomorrow morning I will feel so stupid. But I have to vow to myself not to contact him now if he doesn’t respond to that last email (and he won’t because he has never been around on a Thursday night since I first spoke to him in March). I’m not just being silly either. I asked questions and didn’t seem needy or anything along those lines but a no-reply means a total end otherwise I will just let myself be hurt by my own hopes and dreams of something that can’t happen.

I think the end has been and gone and I am so annoyed with myself for feeling such annoyance with more than one person over the whole issue.

How can I be feeling so sorry for myself – it is the most pathetic I have been ever. Even worse than the Pete situation, but at least I could blame him for leading me on. I have just led myself on this time to exaggerate something which was quite happily plodding along as a weekend nothing really.