Thursday, 1 May 2008

Pure Self Pity

I can’t believe I am allowing myself to cry over this.

For the first time in ages I’ve seen how good my family is. They really do stick together when you need then to the most. And when I say thins I mean my close, immediate family.

Kat just came into my room just to check how I am because she said I’ve been really quiet recently. I guess I have been really. I have totally retracted into myself over the last week or so. The worst part of it is I know exactly why I have done this and I wish I hadn’t now.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks for no apparent reason. Well, of course there is a reason and it’s been on my mind 24/7 since Wednesday or Thursday of last week. I seem to have managed to convince myself into believing I have a relationship with someone who I can’t possibly have one with. There is too much piled up against it to allow it to happen, yet regardless of this fact, knowing that I have someone and something to look forward to at the end of my week. Nothing is going to come of this and now I think about it I’m not sure I even want anything to come of it. I wish he would just speak to me. I looked into my sent-box on my email account this evening. Out of 8 emails sent to him, one was in reply and one was replied to. You’d think I’d learn my lesson and just leave it. But it isn’t like there is nothing there. Well, before there was something anyway. I think that was the last visit and I probably the last proper conversation. I would like very much to see him again but I know that if I do it will cause me to build him up more so. He isn’t mean, he hasn’t tricked me or lead me on or anything which is why I don’t want to be crying over him. This is totally my own fault and he has done nothing to encourage me to be so latched on.

I wish I could talk to Kat about this but I know I’m just going to cry as I am now. And she certainly doesn’t need the hassle of me crying over a few good fucks, some long conversations and 4 or 5 enjoyable weekends. It’s just how it goes.

And now I’m worrying that I’m over-reacting with the whole situation because if he actually gets in touch with me before tomorrow morning I will feel so stupid. But I have to vow to myself not to contact him now if he doesn’t respond to that last email (and he won’t because he has never been around on a Thursday night since I first spoke to him in March). I’m not just being silly either. I asked questions and didn’t seem needy or anything along those lines but a no-reply means a total end otherwise I will just let myself be hurt by my own hopes and dreams of something that can’t happen.

I think the end has been and gone and I am so annoyed with myself for feeling such annoyance with more than one person over the whole issue.

How can I be feeling so sorry for myself – it is the most pathetic I have been ever. Even worse than the Pete situation, but at least I could blame him for leading me on. I have just led myself on this time to exaggerate something which was quite happily plodding along as a weekend nothing really.