Bad Ideas

Facebook stalking never ends well - Find out something that you hoped wasn’t true; See photos you probably didn’t want to see; Or realise that...I have a ridiculous soft spot for him and I don’t think it is down to the physical side of things.

I remember things he has told me and they aren’t pointless things...they are personal, about his family and plans for later on the next year without me asking questions. Now I think that he was telling me things he might not have needed to tell me and I can’t work out whether it was just because he was drunk or if it was more than that. I know it wasn’t just alcohol related when it happened but I definitely like him more than a bit of fun.

Did I pick the wrong one? Did I f**k it up big-time when I told him that stupid, pointless lie? Is this going to be my one big regret in life? I knew where I stood with him at least. But I will ruin any chance with the other one if I even attempt to contact him again. Eurgh I hate being surrounded by (well my two closest friends) girls with guys on the go. Makes me think too much about those no longer in my life...I need my auntie and JenN!

The Weekend

I spent Saturday pretty much non-stop on my feet. Up at 8am and into the town centre. An application for was handed in (fingers crossed I will be successful with something along the way), a trip to the nurse, a visit to my new manager (OK before you think I just said I've been applying for jobs, this one is only 8-12 hrs a week working mostly weekends) which was very successful. As I had some time to waste I took a slow walk down the Boulevard but down the hidden garden way and took some photos to prove MK does have some hidden gems. After doing my errands I bumped into my sister and nephew and then went to meet Betty and Charlie.

It was so good to see the good people again. It has been so long since I've seen Charlie and it always makes me beam to see her again. She is truly amazing. Obviously any time with Betty is well spent as well (I couldn't go on too much about her otherwise I would sound a little obsessed). We went to meet Tom as well later on and had a look around the art exhibition that the college puts on every summer. There was, as per usual, some fantastic work on display and then some things which I was happy to say I was not the only one to comment "I don't get it". Betty, Charlie and Tom are all art students who were in the exhibition last year, so I rely on them to explain things to me a lot.

So after looking around the exhibition I departed and went down to the train station. Today was the day I would see Jérémie again after more than a year. Leaving MK at 3.30pm I knew it wouldn't be a long visit. I didn't get to his place until just gone 5pm although it shouldn't have been so late...I am pretty awful at reading maps and remembering to bring directions to get to places too. Never mind. It was a little odd as I didn't feel anything when he opened the door other than a little bit of embarrassment for seeing his reflection and walking the wrong way (I've never understood reflections and that side of physics/mathsy stuff). He certainly gave a better reception than the last time I'd seen him. Standing on the bottom step he lent down towards me, held my face in his hands and gave me a kiss on each cheek. He looked almost as if a wave of relief had washed over him when he has hold of me. It was strange.
So in I went and he showed me around the house. Much nicer than some of the other places I've seen but it looked like there were only three of them living there, though it was just him when I was there and until he moves out. I was so paranoid about what was going to happen, really certain that it was going to be friends only. He made me a mug of coffee and was trying to chat about Uni stuff and asking how my first year had been, but I really didn't have anything to say. Although I think I can partly out that down to the tonsillitis making me so tired. We went into the living room and sat down to watch "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". Again, another weird situation with me taking to sitting in the corner of the sofa all huddled up and him lying across it. It didn't feel uncomfortable really, just a little odd I guess. As the film started he put his arms out for a hug. So I ended up snuggled up on his chest, all interlocked for the film. It did just feel normal. Really natural to just be back in his arms again. He even did the same things he used to, held my face and felt it with his thumb. Just sort of stroking it, almost getting to know his way around it again, reminding himself who I was or something. It was incredibly relaxing but ever so annoying when he ended up placing his hands over my eyes.
He stopped the film a couple of times and tried to make me speak french to him. I don't know why I always get so nervous when he asks me to do that. I never know what to say. So we had a very stupid conversation and then when the film finished I went to sit up and as I moved my head he moved his down ever so slightly and we nose-to-nose looking into each others eyes. I lowered my eyes and as I did so he placed the softest kiss on my lips. And that was it. It was liking being with an animal. Nothing really happened other than kissing and biting but he pulled back from me, held my face and then told me "This is how we kiss in France" and proceeded to do these crazy series of biting kisses and "teaching" me how to do it the french way. It was so bizarre. I don't really know how else to say it. I wanted to stay there so bad. It was so much more sexual and passionate than he ever used to be. He started biting my neck, face, chest...his hands were all over and the noises he made were just....it was so weird. He was never like that before. But it was a lot of fun. But there was no way I could let it go further so I placed her hand firmly on his chest pushed him gently and told him I would have to go soon. At least he responded to it better than the last guy I stopped in their tracks.
We sat talking four half an hour then he walked me to the train station around 8pm. He was so energetic it was totally opposite to the last time I saw him. He was full flow telling me about his summer and his family. When we got to the station we stood there for a bit talking about France and checking when my train came then he apologised, said he could stay until it got there, held my face gave me a kiss slap on the lips, squeezed my hand, smiled and left. The whole thing was nothing like I expected it to be.

It was a long journey back. Half an hour wait for the train, half an hour to Northampton, half an hour waiting there and then another half hour into MK. Kathryn picked me up at the station and the first thing she said to me "Did you sleep with him?". It was so good to be able to say no. It really felt good because I know everyone thought they knew I would. I got back home eventually just after 10.30pm, absolutely spent but unable to sleep.

The next day I was up at 8am again, in work just after 11am until 5pm. It was so good to get back into that, and to start on a day with just JenN, Mel and Attia. So happy to be back there, it was such a relief to get back into doing something other than nothing in MK. Will be there every weekend and the odd week days until I move back to Manchester =)

I spoke to Jérémie on Sunday evening/night briefly. Just left a quick message to say thanks and it was good to see him. And for the first time he responded with "Don't thank me, I should thank you. It was it is true." The most unlike-him response.

Songs of the week: "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" ~ Halls and Oats
"The Show" ~ Lenka
Book of the week: "East of Eden" ~ John Steinbeck

If You Were In My Boots.

I've just read over my last post on here. And I am rather glad I did as I am going to see Jérémie for the first time in over year this Saturday. Well that is the plan. Though I'm not sure whether it will have to be re-arranged or not as we both have work things going on. Just see what comes of it I guess.

I have spent the last week or so talking to friends and asking them if they can remember why I hated him so much. Not hated, that is far too strong a word. But, there was something rather bitter and unsettled about the whole thing that I couldn't put my finger on. That was a nice refresher as neither I or my friends could remember what he'd done, consciously or not. Thank goodness I am over all of that now.

I seem to have a habit of getting involved with guys who I really shouldn't. Actually, no! That isn't true at all. I just get carried away with things a bit too much. That's the reality of it. James and Shaun are key examples of how I let myself get carried away. Thank goodness I can learn from my experiences. For the record, I don't regret a single thing. What is the point in regretting things when you can't change any of it. And even if I could, I certainly wouldn't, because everything leads on from something else and who knows what I would have missed out on. I'd rather not risk thinking and just keeping living for the now and next. So now I have to remember how to move on from the last guys. Although it is on a totally different level, different circumstances entirely.

Let's just say this...sleeping with 2 best mates is a bad idea. Especially when they have been best mates since they were about 5. I mean honestly...what possesses a girl to think that is a good idea? Throw a little extra into the mix...you met these boys in a bar with your best-mate and she kinda fancied one of them. Now, let us see this again. The boy who you like was sober when you met him, but you were rather wasted. His mate and your mate were both wasted. They exchanged numbers so the lads could come back to yours. After they leave yours, your mate gets a text from the lad asking if his mate can have your number. Thinking nothing of it, you agree. This guy texts you almost immediately and you end up talking to him almost on a daily basis. Flirting is to a max yet you do not see him again for another six weeks. And in this time you have gone home for three weeks, he has invited you to his birthday night out and you have agreed. But at the same time, his mate has started talking to you a fair amount too however is no longer in contact with your best mate. So you think it is best not to mention he is in contact though conversations are totally kosher and you fancy the other one. Then one day the lad you fancies' best mate asks if you fancy a threesome when you get back. Little bit of a shocker but you're always up for new games. But you think, who is the third part of this ménage à trois? First thoughts...the guy you fancy. If his best mate is going down this route you are going to get the best deal.
So a week after you get back, a shocking performance at the birthday night out (in which you realise the one you don't fancy is more worthwhile) the two lads come over and the games begin. The next six weeks are rather bizarre as you have slept with two guys who are best mates and have never been in that situation before as far as you know. The one you don't fancy has taken to you as being his booty call and for the next four weeks, whenever he goes out you get a call or a text to see if he can come round. Not quite what you were hoping the outcome would be of the night. But you know how to deal with this guy and it is just a game to you. Nothing happens. Then you make the choice to one night invite him out since the one you like isn't making any moves. The invitation is accepted. He turns up with two friends (who it turns out you have met before at the birthday night) and you realise, he is a damn good kisser. He wants you to join him and his mates later and you say yes, but play him a bit and make a point of having your night out with everyone not ruined. By the end of the night you have had a bit much of how needy and pushy he has almost been. So he says he wants to leave and asks for your keys. Clearly you say, no. Then, 20 minutes later your best mate has gone home a little more than annoyed and you are stumbling back to your flat. When you get there, there is a little surprise in the shape of three guys waiting at the main door for you. Well, since they have made the effort you take them back in and up with you. Not the best idea in the world, but you think you can handle the whole thing well enough. Things start going in the wrong direction, you get caught up in the moment a bit and then remember yourself and stop it all. The guys leave, although there is a bit of a spat and you aren't feeling to chipper when they leave.
Next day you get a text from the guy you fancy saying "Heard you saw 'the best-mate' last night'" which you reply to with, "Yeah, saw him when I was out with the girls and flat". That is that. But a few days later when you are talking to the one you fancy he asks you what happened with the other guy the other night. Well, tell him the truth as you don't know what he's been told already. It isn't a pretty story as his best mate came kind of close to forcing himself on you that night which is why you weren't too happy. Clearly the story is a bit of a shock but you only tell the facts and that is it. Regardless of what happened though he has still be calling/texting when he wants a bit if you. You have mostly gotten over the whole incident anyway. You were very drunk that night after all, and you did lead him on with foreplay so not so much of a surprise what happened happened.
Things carry on for a week or so, then you have an argument with the guy you fancy. Well, not so much as an argument as you aren't quite sure what is going on any more. But things aren't exactly peachy. The day of your last exam you get a text from the other guy (the one who you don't fancy as much now) asking if you want to go round to his. Well, it is your last day and you think you may as well make the most of it. So you go round to see him, you have some fun with him, then you go back to yours and carry on your merry little way. The next day you are in the van on your way home and you get a text from the one you still fancy and leave it until you get home so you can have a full conversation after what happened last time you spoke properly. In the middle of a perfectly normal chat he suddenly asks how his best friend is, "I wouldn't know I haven't seen or spoken to him today, I was moving back home with my Dad. I'm assuming he's still alive" His response to you "How's his nob". What a grown-up thing to say. Your answer "Like I said, haven't seen or spoken to him today. I'm assuming it's still attached." Which he replies to with "Hahahahaaa" And there we have it. The childish response from a guy who doesn't have the balls to meet you if his best mate isn't there; who won't tell you how he feels regardless of the fact that you have openly told him how you feel; who flirts with you and makes out as though he likes you.

Well done. Well done, you did it again. Found those guys. Enjoy 2 and a half months away from that!

Oh yes, and remember the one you've slept with more than once. That's right the one who you didn't even fancy that much (though now you are having second thoughts) will be living three minutes from your new house, on the other side of the park. Enjoy your time away!

All At Once

I had the most bizarre dream last night, well this morning. And when I think about the reality of it makes me feel so sick. I don’t know what that means though, as it isn’t solely the thought but also my stupidity of staying in contact with him. I have no idea what makes me go through these phases but a the same time I have this horrible feeling that I have a complete obsession and it isn’t so much because of who he is but what he used to do. No matter how much I try and erase him from my life I never will because he was the first and it just isn’t ever going to happen. It is amazing that he can make me cry to this very day without really doing an awful lot. I really just want to find someone else not to replace him but to prove to myself that I’m not honestly this little girl still that I had thought I was completely over. That stage in my life is very clearly still the current. I want to hate him but I can’t. I want never to see him or contact him again but at this moment in time it is all I want to do. It’s not as if he has the charm, the amazing looks, the humour or the kind heart that would usually send me head over heels for a guy. I wish he did, that way I would happily say, “Yeah, he was a bit of an arse but he never failed to…” well make me feel happy. Why though? It just doesn’t make sense. I know the answer but surely I can’t be that shallow or that sentimental that for as long as I shall live he will always hold that place in my heart. I wouldn’t say that I love him to anyone anymore, but I did once and I don’t think I did. It was a total infatuation based purely on physical aspects. Yet, I will still get horribly jealous when I see him with another girl or speaking to another girl. I spend minutes of my days (it is that over-the-top quite yet) looking through his photos and seeing who he is friends with to try and find out some other aspect of his life. I don’t want to be with him, I don’t care if someone else is with him I just don’t want to know about it. So why do I look for things to be happening all the time?

He spoke to me for the first time in ages, and within the space of maybe 5 words he had me in tears. I totally over-estimate him sometimes. For some stupid reason I have made him out to be the most amazing male that has ever stepped into my life and he really, really isn’t. How can someone you do not understand, well no that is a lie. I totally understand him I just don’t agree with what he does or believes sometimes and yet I out myself in a position where I envisage him suddenly not doing what I know he is going to do. And every single time I do it he does exactly what I know he will do. He is himself and I ask myself why I do it? I never wanted to change him, truly I never did. I didn’t think he was perfect but I liked him just as he was. Yet as soon as I stopped having contact with him, maybe it was for myself. To make me feel better about the fact that I spent so many hours thinking about him and with him. When you know that if you email someone they will not reply to it, why email them? When you know that if you say hello they will ignore it, why open your mouth? But when he says one little thing that I know he means and that is that thing that makes me say “That is why. That is why I want him to be that perfect person.” well that is the time that I know I’m stupid.

“I’m back in Coventry on 8th September. We can see each other if you want. J”
Is he shy? Does he just want to see a familiar face? Does he feel he is doing this for my benefit? I never did go and see him, I couldn’t do it. But because he asked that one time, I thought maybe, just maybe I could make this work.
“I’m going to be in Coventry on Sunday to see Liz and DeeJay. If you’re around I can meet up with you before I go home.”
No reply. I wasn’t surprised either. When he offered I said “Maybe” so when I offer he doesn’t reply at all. Its some silly children’s game really isn’t it? He replies on Monday “Sorry I was busy. Maybe I can pass through Manchester and see you” and I think, OK, yes. “That would be really good to see you again. Let me know when you’re free” Nothing! Nothing ever came of that, no reply at all. Did he just want to know he isn’t the one chasing. He is the one in control of what happens. Or am I just over-thinking it and he was just being polite rather than serious. When would someone “pass through Manchester” when they live in Coventry and go home to France in the holidays!?

No contact for a while and then “Joyeux anniversaire” on a face book mail. Nothing more. So all I can say is “Thank you”. I don’t want to play a stupid game anymore, he isn’t worth it. A few weeks on, I ask his help. No reply to the email. Two weeks later I send “Thank you” in an attempt to make him reply. But still nothing. I cannot stand his arrogance. So two weeks again and I really do want his help. I don’t need it but I almost want to prove a point. So he appears online and I ask “Do you know any festivals that happen in the Aquitaine region?” Expecting no reply, I walk away from the screen and carry on tidying and organising my room. Then I see a little orange flashing rectangle on my screen. I leave it for a bit and then pop it up “ok?”. Clearly something is missing so “Is what ok!?” and then comes the thing that made me cry (absolutely ridiculous when I think about it) “go on the region website”. So after weeks proof-reading your work for your final presentation in your final year at University this is how you repay me? This is how you show that you “won’t forget what you’ve (referring to me) done” And on top of that I gave up my time when I first started University myself, when I was preparing to leave my family to help you find a school which you could work in and ask people who I don’t really speak to advice to give to you. Why bother helping someone who is going to give you that in thanks? I guess you can understand why I cried at that. There is no hope for someone like that (sorry to replay this conversation I just want to make sure I understood it right). What do you say to that then…“OK”. Thinking that was the end of it I could despise him for the rest of my life, I walked away and got into doing something else to keep my mind off of that little incident. Then I saw there was something else he wanted to say which made me so angry “I don’t know if it’s in English though”. What a fcuking A*hole…“it doesn‘t need to be.” How dare he take that tone with me. That is how you know that someone doesn’t care about what you say to them. I told him so many times about how excited I was about starting French classes, spoke to him before them sometimes and made sure he knew about it. Then he has the cheek to say “oulala” I just wanted to scream at him. What a cheek to talk to me like that. Did he think he was being funny? That I would be pleased about him being impressed? I couldn’t reply to that at all. I just wanted to hit him. And then one of those lines that make me stop totally and remember why it is that I liked him in the first place “I’d like to hear you speaking in French”. I just laughed. Just for the fact that he can just…I don’t even know. Not wanting to really converse with him all I could think was “it’s not that impressive”. And then somehow I ended up making conversation out of it again “If you ever want to laugh then of course I’d be happy to say something to you” when I didn’t even want to. How does that ever happen. I go from one word or few word answers to suddenly trying to make him say something. But he said one of those other things that made me think, ‘yeah that is the guy I fell for’ - “no, I’ll not laugh. I know how hard it is to speak a language when you never live in the country” there goes that heart beat again skipping away. Oh I cannot stand it. I wish I could do something about it but every now and then I want to speak to him, or want to just go and get at train and turn up outside his house and just say ‘Hey, I was in the area.’ But I never will, I’m not that stupid.

Now thinking about that dream…I got an email from him the morning after having slept with him again but in his home and meeting his housemates. The email said “It was so good to see your small sad mouth again, so bad L. We’re even now so let’s call it quits.” That was it. I was so confused in the dream. I’d obviously done something to him that he wanted to make sure he made up for. So I told my friend Katy and she sent his girlfriend a really nasty text and then we turned up at their flat. They were in bed together I remember being really upset. Katy made the girlfriend get out of bed and beat her up and I started arguing with him and then it all just went into something completely different.

I know I want it all to be over between me and him. Well it is. But I want him to be my friend or to fuck off out of my life. I can’t cope with all this stupidity and over-reacting to the smallest thing about him. I doubt very much that he is doing anything along the same lines, I am just some English girl who he slept with a few time…someone who he got on with and who was adequate and useful for the time. OK, that sick feeling has mostly gone now…that certainly feels better.

How Things Are Going

So, I moved up to Manchester back in September to recommence my University education. And since I have been up here it has just been amazing. Nothing had gone wrong in particular so I think these have possibly been my happiest few months this year. Much more so than others which I previously believed to be so wonderful (other than the obvious of travelling around Europe).

I haven't felt the need to pour my heart and soul out at any point and I think that is because I have found people who I can talk to when I get frustrated over the small things or even ecstatic over the bigger. It's felt so weird to know I can talk to someone physically instead of having to sit and type endlessly or my random thoughts and feelings and wait for that feeling of relief to settle over me.

A fair amount has happened in the past months where I haven't been blogging and I have missed out a huge amount of stuff that has happened in that time. Probably the main thing being my Euro-trip and the birth of Zack, my nephew. I can't really sit here and talk about Europe again, I did write a diary for every day of the trip but I don't know when I would ever have time to type it all up and post here. So all I can say is, it was the most amazing three weeks of my life and I would do it all again for the rest of my life if I could.

Zack, my beautiful little boy, well my sister's beautiful baby boy. He was born on October 20th at 16:30 weighing 8lbs. I was home the weekend my sister and him came home and I just love him to bits. I was back the first weekend, the next weekend and the the week after for my reading week. It is quite strange as I saw him every weekend for his first 4 weeks and now it has been 4 weeks almost to the day that I've seen him and I do miss him. I'm so so excited about going down in the next week to see him again. He is so beautiful and just, had brought so much happiness into his family it is unbelievable. I have never in my life sat in a room with 10 adults and not one of them speaking a word but all with their eyes trained on a sleeping babe. He is the most incredible miracle, I really do adore him.

Drama Queen

I really can over dramatise situations at times.

I can't believe how fickle my emotions are too.

I feel like in the last month I have done a lot of growing-up and a lot of reality checks to bring me back. Sarah to earth - I'm coming home!

I've had a whole lot of people come and go and then come back again since I last blogged. My closest friend went to Italy for a week which caused a lot of heartache for me and his "kind-of-not-really-girlfriend". It was really good in a way because the two of us spent a fair bit of time together and just chatting and being girlie and stuff. It was a lot of fun. But I don't think he has ever seen to girls be so ecstatic and over the moon to see him when he returned 8 days later. I swear they were the longest 8 days of my life.

5 days. Everyday I was in work that week I would count down to my colleagues until DeeJay would be home and then Liz and I would work out the hours and try and work out what he was doing in Italy at that moment when we spoke and were together. 4 days to go. We braved it and we went out on the Wednesday night with our other bum buddies from the B6. It was a fairly good night, with Lizi, Katy and Anna joining us. It was amazing to see her again. Anna this is. She went out with an old school friend of mine around christmas time so I haven't seen her since then. She has got to be the most genuinely, lovely, caring, kind, non-judgemental, fun-loving, prettiful, sane but crazy girl I have ever met with THE most beautiful singing voice. I'm not even joking. She has the voice of an angel.

Friendships went on the rockies for a bit but all turned out to be a SHOCKWAVE TESTAMENT for me to realise yet again how truly blessed I am with my friends. A lot has happened but I honestly coudn't sit and re-iterate it all.

The day DeeJay came home my family left for Tuscany (a swap over holiday it seemed) and for the next two weeks I would have another rollercoaster of emotions. Until the Wednesday after their departure I don't think I had anyone over other than my aunt Pam. Although I tend to have a very selective memory.
Anyways - on the Wednesday before results (making it 15th August) I had my closest friends over. Well, those who could make it. As we were all cacking ourselves over results I thought it a good idea to get us all together so that we could take our minds off it or at least get to talk to people who could truly empathise.

We drank and ate and chatted and then went for a walk down to the lake. We sat in the pitch black by the lakeside at 12am and for about 20mins in the freezing cold singing on the benches and pissing about. Unfortunately Tom had an accident. He was running, I told him to stop in case he fell...SURPRISE, SURPRISE he fell and cracked a rib, grazed his head and both his knees, ripped his trousers and incurred upon himself mild concussion. I feel a tad guilty and almost totally responsible for that one. But luckily I provided him with a much needed walking stick. The guilty conscience eased slightly.

Results day was hectic and full of varying emotions. We all got into Uni. I unfortunately seemed to draw the short straw. When I arrived home I phoned my parents in Tuscany to let them know of my results and future Uni plans. My father wasn't too impressed because I didn't achieve all my target grades. I was down one grade for English and so didn't get into my first choice Uni - which I personally knew was going to happen anyway. But with ABB I was fairly impressed considering how shockingly bad I had done during the year in RE. I was told that the outcome was "disappointing" and became rather tearful to say the least. I came off the phone abruptly and decided to phone my brother instead. I had phoned my aunt Pam first off in school and had a very good response from her, but felt I needed some extra family support. My brother was the perfect person for this and I was in tears down the phone to him with all my friends sitting in the room with me at a loss as what to do. It probably wasn't the best reaction for me to have with them around but I was very lucky to have my friends with me really.

After that day (we all went out that night and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Well, the finale was a good one evetually) I spoke to my best-friend and was slightly shocked to hear what he said about my phone call to my brother. I do love them both dearly and they certainly are my two favourite males in existence - Sam and DeeJay. They are both always there for me. In the same way that Pam, Katy, Celia, Tom and Liz are. I Love my parents and sisters dearly and they are rated in my favourite people of all time certainly but I guess I don't fully understand where they're coming from all the time and react in a silly way. But anyway that isn't the point right now.

DeeJay proved how much he means to me. It occurred to me over the past two weeks how close we really are. I don't think I ever have completely been in a negative mood with him. There is always something which pops up to remind me (OK sorry have to point out the sexual innuendo there hehee sorry >_>) what an amazing person he is. In fact I just wrote a huge email to him about it.

I have yet again lost my train of thought which I tend to be doing all too often nowadays.

Anyway I've had an evetful two weeks and prior to that also. My family are now home and there are some awkward moments but in general I'm very happy to see them home again. There isn't much time left with them in this way now, so I guess I should chersih the crappiness and amazingness of homelife.

Catch Up!

OK, so this week has been fairly busy and quite a productive one as far as holiday weeks go.

The main thing this week was being with friends and rebuilding relationships. Not necessarily because of anything bad, but just catching up and doing what we do best! So it all started on Monday morning when DeeJay and Liz came over early in the morning followed by Tom and Cece in the afternoon. We sat and watched a couple of films and had general chat about random anything and everything. Then headed into the city centre for a staff meeting (for me and DeeJay anyway) where we met Anita and said farewell to Tom. After a very short meeting DeeJay, Liz, Cece, Anita and myself went to Pizza Express for dinner then over to the Xscape to watch Oceans 13 which was really good and rather funny. I’m glad I haven’t seen the second one as I think it would have ruined the third for me.

The next day I bummed around the house and sat for a few hours going through old pictures with my sister Kat form when we were kids. It was weird hearing her talk about me as a child and her being really sisterly. She never used to be, it’s weird having her grown-up but really good too. I guess I’m slowly growing-up and changing too. I like this time in life – it’s very good. We just enjoyed a sisterly day. Then I went into the centre in the evening for a meal with my Church friends as it was one of their birthdays. Back at Pizza Express again but in a completely different vibe with some good stories and anecdotes being told, and made I’m sure.

Wednesday was our London trip day. DeeJay and Liz came to mine around 11am where we sat and chatted and chilled for a bit. Then, just before 1 Liz drove down to her physiotherapy with me and DeeJay waiting in her car, listening to music and pissing about. She was barely in there anytime though, and when she came out again she said hello to me through the window and scared the crap out of me. In turn I rattled Liz and DeeJay with my scream. Obviously I wasn’t expecting her to turn up outside the window as my head was turned away from it!

After this Liz drove down to Cece’s to pick her up and then we went back to Liz’s for half an hour or so. We were then dropped at the train station by her dad and we headed off to London. The train ride allowed for may picture poses and the usual random conversation. We arrived at Euston around 3.40pm and headed off to China Town for some lunch/dinner. Then we wondered around London for about three hours.

OK, I should probably mention that we went to London to see Avenue Q at the Noel Coward Theatre on St Martin’s Lane.

So we eventually got to theatre, had a drink in a pub over the road from it beforehand. Then went in and I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that much for that long in my life! It was fantastic. The humour was just perfect for me, and I was in hysterics the whole way through it, even when other people weren’t I’d let out a little giggle. The others certainly enjoyed it too; it was good to do something like that with them. We got back into MK around midnight.

When I got home Kat text me and we lay in her bed and watched Shaun of the Dead. It was nice to just spend time with her like that – we used to do it when we were younger – sleep in each others rooms for a couple of hours anyway. Just lie and chat! It’s good to get back to the roots like that again.

Thursday I did very little. I had work in the evening with Kate. It was good to work with her on a close. I’ve never done that before. Got to have a good gossip with her and catch up on what’s been going on. Nothing interesting happened at work really, it was pretty dead all night.

Friday was the big day! I met up with Katy at about 2pm in the city centre as I was to join her and her family for a meal, an early celebration for her 18^th. We went back to hers and had a long chat and just chilled for a few hours. Then Kates, Amy (her sister) and I got ready for going out. Katy and I were going on to Revs after the meal to meet Phil and his friends. Little did she know we were actually going to the Irish Centre for the majority of the night. After the meal Katy’s mum told us we were going to see her Nan and Granddad who were at the Irish Centre.

When we arrived, we sent Katy in first to see the surprise gathering of friends and family. Her face was priceless. She was actually speechless, which is nothing like Katy! I was very glad to be there as well, as Tom and Teighlor were there, the first time I met her. She is something else. She is just amazing! I spent moist of the night dancing with her and Cece. Everyone danced that night actually which was really good as usually there are a few party poopers there. We all left at a bout 12.15am and headed back to mine mostly. Celia and I both went out like lamps.

We were all up at around 8.40am the next morning as DeeJay had to go to work for 10am. Liz took DeeJay into work and Celia home, they left at about 9.40am. I went and cleared my room and aired my room out a bit. Then went and got ready for work. I had a bit of a spat with my parents over lifts and stuff as I had to ask them to pick up a friend after work. I really wanted to turn around and tell them that if they just sorted out the insurance already, I could do it myself. It’s been over two weeks since I past my driving test and driven in general. It’s making me mad! There’s no reason for it not to have been done already! Anyway, I’m not going off on one AGAIN about this.

After work (which was dead yet again and pretty eventless) Dad picked me up, we went home, had dinner, then drove to Roade (a 15min drive up the A5) and picked up Audrey from her Gran’s. This was the first time I’d seen either of them in about 8/9 years. It was so good to see her again.

When we got back to MK, we sorted some bits out and then went into the centre and met some of my friends at Old Wetherspoons. We were only there for 3hours or so and Audrey seemed to enjoy herself. We had a couple of drinks, but it was just good to sit around and chat with everyone like that. The girls/guys really took to Audrey so it was nice to just be where it was quiet for a change. It was also the last chance to see Anita before she headed off to HK for a month. =(

When we got back to mine Audrey and I sat and looked at pictures of her family and her home in the Philippines. She is a very privileged girl I must say. Although she does miss Manila a lot – her family have moved back to England for a bit and then they’ll head off somewhere else, maybe stay here even. It’s all up in the air at the moment. But, Audrey will be around soon as she is going to Uni next year. Hopefully though, her gap year will keep her in the UK.

We went shopping today for shoes. It was a good day, the shops were quite empty which gave us plenty of time to browse. We both ended up with some earrings – I absolutely love mine – and two pairs of shoes. One pair Audrey ended up with were awesome, these grey stilettos with a little strap going across the bridge/arch of the foot with closed toe and heel. They were just gorgeous.

Dad picked us up from the shops and we dropped Audrey back at her Gran’s. I’m not sure when I’ll get to see her next. She may come up to London on Wednesday when I’m there, so we’ll just see what happens. The rest of today has just been a bit non-plus; just mooching about really. Should have a good week coming up though!

What A Mess

Well, my face, hair and room anyway.

I had the worse start to the best week. Having everything revolve around prom, waking up with an extra spot each morning leading up to Thursday 28th June was not very good. But nevertheless I managed to have a full and fun week.

On the Monday I had a day of clearing mine and my sister's room as she was moving back in on Tuesday. I went into school in the afternoon around 3pm to meet DeeJay, Liz and Celia. It was the girls’ last exam and so we decided to all go out and celebrate the summer starting fully with all of us together. I dumped three bags of folders into school and then went and sat with DeeJay in our library place. The last time we would ever be doing that. Mrs Manley offered to have out names written on the table as we technically own it. Our group of friends always spent frees on a corner table. No one else ever used it when we were around! Ah I will miss these little things. Around 3.20pm DeeJay and myself went and met the girls from their English exam and went into the city centre for a Starbucks.

Tuesday, I had a girls day with Celia, Liz and Katy all coming over. We sat around the house chatting and just reminiscing over the old days. It was really nice to just relax with them actually. Kates left to collect her stuff to stay over mine. Liz went home around 4pm as she had gymnastics then Kates turned back up at the house around 6pm. We all just chilled out looking over old pictures and stuff from Year 11 and 12. It was really funny remembering how we all met and stuff. Always feels good top dig around the memory box.

Wednesday was woken at 9am by Katy turning up at the house (she had stayed over Phil’s). We sat in the kitchen and had a drink. Then sat and gossiped and did the usual girlie thing until 1pm when Liz came to pick me up. We went into Bletchley, dropping Katy off at home and then heading into Central Bletchley. Liz and I had some lunch then went to the hairdressers where I got my new cut. It’s so different to usual, but I quite like it. After that was done we headed back down the high street in the rain to fond a boutonnière for Liz to give to DeeJay for prom. Luckily the first florist did this at an incredibly good price, so Liz put in the order and we headed back to the car.
Liz dropped me home and we sat chatting in the car about prom and stuff. then went back to hers. The rest of the day was nothing special.

Thursday was the big day! I was up and out of the house by 10am. I went to DeeJay’s, being greeted by Tita Ellen in her dressing gown. I think I arrived a bit too early. DeeJay was still in bed so I went up and woke him. I gave him quite a shock. He sat for a couple of minutes sitting bolt upright in silence staring at me before he clicked and told me I was late! Hehehee
We went and met Kate in a park to pick some bits up form her for that night. DeeJay took his new camera with him and we sat playing on the swings and see-saw for 20mins whilst waiting for Kate to arrive. It reminded me of how cool childhood is. Oh the simplicity of it all.
We went back to his and I was shown the world of Ben Folds Five, DeeJay’s favourite band and now a top one for me too. I have been introduced into the complexities of three incredibly talented males. It’s a real shame that they split before I even discovered them. But the music is still all available so I shall be enjoying there music over the summer for sure.

At 1.30om I left DeeJay’s and went into Bletchley to pick up some extra prom bits and the boutonnière for Liz. I then had to rush back home to pick up my prom invitation and a couple of other bits too. Then it was into the city to meet Celia. She looked stunning when I met her. She had just had her make-up done at Mac for the prom and it was perfect. She’d also had her hair done that morning which was amazing! We went and picked up my jewellery and Celia’s last prom piece. We then rushed back to hers, picked up her dress and other bits and got a taxi up to DeeJay’s where Marshall, Liz, Tom and Pete were relaxing before the limo.

It was about 4.45pm when we arrived at DeeJay’s. We had until 6.30pm to get ready for that night which we spent well. Liz did my hair and make-up; I did her back (cover-ups on tan-lines which I probably could have done with too). We were the last one’s ready and came downstairs about 6pm to take pictures with the guys. Tita Ellen gave us all a glass of red wine whilst we waited. I downed a second before the limo arrived and we all went out about 6.40pm.

The limo attracted the scary neighbours in Fullers Slade and it felt like we were celebrities or something. The driver got out the red carpet and we all had out photo taken as we went into the limo and as a group outside the limo too. As we piled in, we found that there was a bottle of champagne ready with glasses and three screens which allowed us to watch music videos, play karaoke and play PlayStation games. It was pretty damn awesome and we have Celia to thank for it.

After popping open the bubbly, Pete passed the bottle for me to pour (not a good idea) as I poured it perfectly until I managed to overflow and pour about a glasses worth in my dress. Eeeek. Luckily it was the 8th glass and there were only 7 of us. Oh, and champagne doesn’t stain either when your clothing is dark. We sang some karaoke on the way to the Holiday Inn, formerly the Marriott Courtyard.

We were the only group with a limo apparently. I was already tipsy *coughs* by the time we arrived, and managed to see people when we went in. Okay, so Dale and Chris were meeting and greeting. Then Miss Green and Miss Naylor were just inside taking pictures of us all. I went ahead of the group and saw the prom committee girls, Cla, Lorna, Lizi, Lisa and Sophie. Got my glass of Bucks Fizz and then wondered aimlessly for a bit. I took some pictures with people as I saw them and then went back to find my group. On the way up I met Katy and Phil.
The seven of us (being DeeJay, Liz, Celia, Marshall, Pete, Tom and myself) went to go and get out professional picture done. The final choice was odd, but very good, and we were all pleased with it! I think anyway.

Other stuff happened, then we went into the dining hall and were seated. We had our meals serves (I barely ate, as the other girls too) and at some point during this I found some other friends arriving at the table or going to theirs. And then somehow got to the toilets which I don’t remember happening. Took some more pictures in there and then went back to the Dining Hall. After the meals had been finished and cleared away, the awards started.

Everyone who we all said was going to win the various awards did. Naomi Manley and Ben Van Leuven winning best dressed; Katy – Teenage Drama Queen; Jake McInnes – Boozy Floozy; Me – Oops I Did It Again (accident prone apparently); Jail Bird – Chris Ormonde (possibly, I don’t remember); various other awards were won; Rebel without a Reason – Ben Van Leuven; Vintage Wine – Me (not sure why or what the award was for I was just happy to walk away with free wine!).

We then had the disco bit, some good songs were played and most people got up and danced. Including teachers, which was really good fun. They were all so far gone by this stage so it was quite amusing. After a long time (I had no concept on time do I’ll guess at 2 and a half hours) the limo came and picked us up, exchanging Tom for Mark as Tom is saving monies for Teighlor who is coming on Thursday (WOOP WOOP).

We were meant to have an hour’s drive around MK but opted out of this and went to DeeJay’s for us to pick up everything, then mine to drop it all off (as this was where we all stayed the next morning – bar Mark) and then finally ended at the Point where we spent the nest 3 hours. Nexus was fairly busy, with most of the year there. Pete had gone to Oceana instead, but ended up walking over to Nexus as he couldn’t get in.

It was really good to be back there again. I didn’t really spend much time with the group once there. Well, Cece and Liz I danced with a few times but Celia hooked up with Nat once there and Liz and Lizi stayed together, well mingled with others too really. Kates was there so we jived for a bit. I actually managed to get around most of the year that were there which was really good. It was probably the last time I see a lot of them so I’m glad I didn’t waste that time.

I vaguely remember the end of the night where I was being attacked by people. I know Pete and DeeJay were involved. Okay. So let’s explain this properly. A song came on and Pete made a jolt with his hand in my face and loud noises and it scared me; so a few of them did this for a little bit whilst I cowered and screamed in my seat. They are such lovely friends to have!

We left Nexus just after 3am and walked over to the Xscape to meet some of Pete’s friends there. A guy called Calvin who outs Pete to shame. Well, that is what DeeJay said. Personally I would say he puts Pete’s dancing skills pail into insignificance as Calvin is little less than fudging awe-inspiring. We eventually left for mine at about 4am.
Once home us girls went straight to bed after I set up the sleeping arrangements for the guys downstairs. Then we lay awake in my room listening to the guys running around and laughing and chatting quite loudly! Hahahaa, they are such kids, quite a musing to listen to. Especially when I remembered that my phone was downstairs and the alarm was set for 6am (about an hour after they finally went to sleep). Ah the joys of being “in-the-know”.

Us girls got up at about 8.30am/9am and went and woke the boys. The poor things were knackered. We just sat on the couch and in the bed downstairs chatting and being lazy. We had tea/coffee and biscuits. Liz and I opted for the best choice having bug mugs of coffee with shots of Kahlua as a wake-up which worked rather well.

We moped about for a few hours. Pete and Marshall left at about 1pm. Then Dad came home offered us sausage sandwiches but none of us were up to eating yet. At 2.30pm Liz’s dad picked her up and then the three of us left there got ready and then headed into the centre. DeeJay went straight home from there whilst em and Cece went to have some breakfast/lunch/recovery food in McDonald's. I then went to work and Celia walked home.

Mum picked me up from work at 8pm and had a weird angry outburst at me ending with her crying and then suddenly switching to a jolly “So how was work?”

I seriously worry about her sometimes. And I mean that with the utmost sincerity. She has been so weird these past few months. She’ll be really grumpy, angry and feeling sorry for herself and then will be really cool and fine for a bit. I’m not sure what’s wrong with her. Something has happened though. I wonder if she doubts her marriage and family-life sometimes. Though it’s probably just me over-thinking it.

I spoke to Pam (my Dad’s sister) about it and she agreed with me but is more concerned with my Dad. I feel incredibly sorry for him. He just constantly gets it in the neck from her. I spoke to him on Saturday evening when it was just the two of us, and he said she’s just been dodgy recently, but I know he’s more worried than he lets on. I wish he would open up sometimes, but I know that just isn’t him and never will be no matter how hard I try.

On Saturday, Mum, Dad and I joined the AFC congregation on a trip to Guilford. We spent the day in the pouring rain, on a muddy estate (Wintershall Estate), following the life of Christ. It was a drama performed by amateur actors from around Guilford. They staged it all outdoors with the audience following them around the fields for each Act and different scenes.

I really enjoyed it; in fact it had been my idea to get Mum and Dad to come with me. I got to walk around with my jeans rolled up to my knees and barefooted. Warm, wet, squelchy mud feels fantastic on the feet. It was so good. It was really well performed as well, staged and directed. We started the day at 5.30am getting to Church at 7.30am then joining the rest of the group on the coach arriving in Guilford for 10am. We left at 5pm and got home at 7pm which wasn’t bad going. Baths were certainly in order after that day!

Today was just a normal Sunday. Except I went into the city with Mum. I went and saw Georgia, Jen N, DeeJay, Vickie and Rob at work, then went an exchanged a top that Pam got me. Then Mum and I went to Starbucks for a chill-out. She was in her “bonding” mood today. She decided to tell me I should go no the pill and that I needed to spend some time with Kat. I haven’t spoken to her since she came back, which she mentioned to Mum. It’s actually really weird, but I guess sisters grow apart when they aren’t around each other; and living together again after four years of us both growing-up separately really does change things between us.

Oh well! I have the rest of the summer if needs be.

But this week ahead is devoted to friends again!

It's the time; it's the place; it's the motion.

Saturday was the day of Sophie's Grease party. But before this I had other things to do like shop and work.

I went into the city at 11.30am and visited the guys at work ti waste time before meeting Mr Tom! Hehee. Got to catch up on some gossip and stuff from the last week which is always good fun. Then went and met Tom off his bus. We went over to Hawes and Curtis to buy his tie for prom. I intended on buying it for him, but he wouldn't allow it. Never mind I have a sneaky hand and will get the money into his pocket at some point over the next few weeks. OR ~ hmm give it to Teighlor, that would work. Oh I am clever at times.

The city was manic with it being the 40th Anniversary of MK and also Sports mania. There were some pretty awesome people there signing and stuff, amongst them being Frank Bruno, Matt Dawson and a gladiator, but there name has completely vanished from my little brain! Either way, it was darn impressive. After wondering around Sports mania we found the Collectormania notice board and it turns out, much to Tom's approval, that he won't be missing the London Exhibition where Patrick Stewart and SYLAR are going to be. I so would love to go but it is unlikely I actually will. Tom shed a tear of joy or hay-fever I'm not sure which yet, and then we hurried over to Fat Face to let DeeJay know. I think that slightly brightened his day but not a huge amount. We only stayed for a bit, then went to get coffee. I'm not sure why we always say that when it never is coffee. Tom doesn't drink the stuff and I usually get cold drinks. We ended up at Millies and Baskins as all the coffee shops were packed. I got my usual large milkshake which I never get half-way through, and Tom got an awesome hot chocolate with cream and chocolate sauce. I love getting drinks with my friends, it makes me feel grown-up 'cos I can choose it. I'm very sad and childish at heart. After that we went over to game station so Tom could buy a new Wii Play hand-set and then went to the bus-stops where I waited with Tom 'til his bus arrived.

I went over to work and sat with George for a bit in the tea room then started work. Nothing interesting happened. The tills crashed so we had to do card transactions manually which is really fun. It's like when you play shop games as a kid. Although this lost its fun rapidly.

After work my daddy picked me up and took me home. I had to shower and change to be back out for 7.30pm. Dad took me to Abbey Hill Golf Club for Sophie's party where I met the first few guests ~ Katy, Emma and Sarah (two girls from Sophie and Katy's work). Sophie came out and her mum took a picture of the two of us before I went in. These were the rules for the guests, before entry you must take a picture with the Birthday Girl! Everyone had gone all out for their costumes and looked really good. T-Birds and Pink Ladies were rife and poodle skirts filled a lot of space. But I think the best dressed HAS to go to Liz. Skin tight peddle-pushers with the black court shoes and shoulderless black top. She made a truly amazing Sandy. http://www.flickr.com/photos/deejaynye/605198588/
The party was pretty good. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and most importantly of all, Sophie had a fantastic time! She looked pretty amazing herself actually, in a cross costume between Sandy at the end and Marty at the High School Prom.
I left pretty early considering, I was home by 11.45pm and was just catching up with people and sorting out emails. Nothing particularly interesting really.

I woke up this morning with tears streaming down my cheeks. I keep having the most horrible dreams where really distraught things are happening. The other night I dreamt that the B6 and Teighlor were at mine with my family when DeeJay fell down the stairs and cracked his head open, his brains fell out and we didn't know what to do. It ended with me in the corner rocking back and forth and crying. I was really upset when I woke. But last night's was something entirely different. I dreamt that my Dad wrote me a letter telling me he had cancer and that he had only told me and didn't want the rest of the family to know, then he just sort of faded away into nothingness. There was music playing whilst I read the letter but I'm not sure what the song was. It really disturbs me that I've been dreaming things like this. There doesn't seem to be any reason why I would dream such a thing like that either. It's all just really upsetting.

Today isn't going to be anything good and hasn't been so far. I sent off my accommodation application for Exeter Uni and then have been job hunting for temp work over the summer as I haven't got any extra hours for my part-time job. It really sucks but at least I'll be getting more money in! Saving up for Teighlor, Spain and Uni!!

Hope you have had a more interesting weekend!

Perfectly Contented

"Sometimes you get so low, you don't know why,
And you get a little unsettled inside.
May I remind you?
That you don't live in poverty,
You got your youth,
And you got a roof over your head. " But I have been singing a replacement line here
"And you got nothing to lose!"

These words have just been going round and round in my head.

Last night I sat with the window open so that the fresh air would reach me. It started raining and I could only hear the patter of it outside. There is something so beguiling about the rain at night that I want to be out there wandering around. So, at 00.42 on Friday 15th June I signed out of MSN and went to my top drawer. I took out a packet of tobacco and some papers. I rolled a terrible cigarette, then re-rolled a good one. I then changed into my pyjamas, put on my flip flops and blazer. I grabbed a box of matches and then crept down the stairs. I took the house keys and unlocked the back door as silently as I could. Then stood out in the garden and had a smoke. It was so relaxing and perfect. I walked around the garden for a bit, then decided to go back in. The night was still calling me though, so I locked up and then went out the front. With my phone in my pocket and the keys in my hand I set off. I just walked around my estate for 20mins or so just singing those lyrics in my head. The rain got really heavy but I carried on with a really contented smile on my face!

I got back in around 01.03. I slipped back inside and locked the front door, then crept up the stairs. I went to the loo, then went to bed. I just lay there smiling and thinking how happy I was right there in that moment! I could have stayed out longer, but I knew I had to be up today! Never mind. I will certainly be repeating that experience, it was just so calming.

Well, off to work now!

-------------------------------------------------------------

It is now 01.36 and I only got home properly 30 minutes ago. After writing the first half of this I went down to the bus stop and stood in the light rain just pondering over anything and everything! Then beauty struck as the first roll of thunder sounded. I really do love summer storms. They are so refreshing.
I got on the bus and headed up o the city to meet Celia. Luckily I got up there early and bumped into Aimee and Ciera. It was good to see them again and to catch up and just have a general chit chat. Then Some old faces came round the corner - Tasha and Kele! Haven't seen either of them in months. They went to school with me yr 8- 12, but both decided college was better. And they are both much happier there now! I love looking back and being able to appreciate how lucky I am and how much I and everyone else around me has changed.

I guess that's all. I would like to write some other things that happened but it would seem quite silly to.

Sorry this took so long I've just logged back in after spending the weekend in London with (Aunt) Pam.