All At Once

I had the most bizarre dream last night, well this morning. And when I think about the reality of it makes me feel so sick. I don’t know what that means though, as it isn’t solely the thought but also my stupidity of staying in contact with him. I have no idea what makes me go through these phases but a the same time I have this horrible feeling that I have a complete obsession and it isn’t so much because of who he is but what he used to do. No matter how much I try and erase him from my life I never will because he was the first and it just isn’t ever going to happen. It is amazing that he can make me cry to this very day without really doing an awful lot. I really just want to find someone else not to replace him but to prove to myself that I’m not honestly this little girl still that I had thought I was completely over. That stage in my life is very clearly still the current. I want to hate him but I can’t. I want never to see him or contact him again but at this moment in time it is all I want to do. It’s not as if he has the charm, the amazing looks, the humour or the kind heart that would usually send me head over heels for a guy. I wish he did, that way I would happily say, “Yeah, he was a bit of an arse but he never failed to…” well make me feel happy. Why though? It just doesn’t make sense. I know the answer but surely I can’t be that shallow or that sentimental that for as long as I shall live he will always hold that place in my heart. I wouldn’t say that I love him to anyone anymore, but I did once and I don’t think I did. It was a total infatuation based purely on physical aspects. Yet, I will still get horribly jealous when I see him with another girl or speaking to another girl. I spend minutes of my days (it is that over-the-top quite yet) looking through his photos and seeing who he is friends with to try and find out some other aspect of his life. I don’t want to be with him, I don’t care if someone else is with him I just don’t want to know about it. So why do I look for things to be happening all the time?

He spoke to me for the first time in ages, and within the space of maybe 5 words he had me in tears. I totally over-estimate him sometimes. For some stupid reason I have made him out to be the most amazing male that has ever stepped into my life and he really, really isn’t. How can someone you do not understand, well no that is a lie. I totally understand him I just don’t agree with what he does or believes sometimes and yet I out myself in a position where I envisage him suddenly not doing what I know he is going to do. And every single time I do it he does exactly what I know he will do. He is himself and I ask myself why I do it? I never wanted to change him, truly I never did. I didn’t think he was perfect but I liked him just as he was. Yet as soon as I stopped having contact with him, maybe it was for myself. To make me feel better about the fact that I spent so many hours thinking about him and with him. When you know that if you email someone they will not reply to it, why email them? When you know that if you say hello they will ignore it, why open your mouth? But when he says one little thing that I know he means and that is that thing that makes me say “That is why. That is why I want him to be that perfect person.” well that is the time that I know I’m stupid.

“I’m back in Coventry on 8th September. We can see each other if you want. J”
Is he shy? Does he just want to see a familiar face? Does he feel he is doing this for my benefit? I never did go and see him, I couldn’t do it. But because he asked that one time, I thought maybe, just maybe I could make this work.
“I’m going to be in Coventry on Sunday to see Liz and DeeJay. If you’re around I can meet up with you before I go home.”
No reply. I wasn’t surprised either. When he offered I said “Maybe” so when I offer he doesn’t reply at all. Its some silly children’s game really isn’t it? He replies on Monday “Sorry I was busy. Maybe I can pass through Manchester and see you” and I think, OK, yes. “That would be really good to see you again. Let me know when you’re free” Nothing! Nothing ever came of that, no reply at all. Did he just want to know he isn’t the one chasing. He is the one in control of what happens. Or am I just over-thinking it and he was just being polite rather than serious. When would someone “pass through Manchester” when they live in Coventry and go home to France in the holidays!?

No contact for a while and then “Joyeux anniversaire” on a face book mail. Nothing more. So all I can say is “Thank you”. I don’t want to play a stupid game anymore, he isn’t worth it. A few weeks on, I ask his help. No reply to the email. Two weeks later I send “Thank you” in an attempt to make him reply. But still nothing. I cannot stand his arrogance. So two weeks again and I really do want his help. I don’t need it but I almost want to prove a point. So he appears online and I ask “Do you know any festivals that happen in the Aquitaine region?” Expecting no reply, I walk away from the screen and carry on tidying and organising my room. Then I see a little orange flashing rectangle on my screen. I leave it for a bit and then pop it up “ok?”. Clearly something is missing so “Is what ok!?” and then comes the thing that made me cry (absolutely ridiculous when I think about it) “go on the region website”. So after weeks proof-reading your work for your final presentation in your final year at University this is how you repay me? This is how you show that you “won’t forget what you’ve (referring to me) done” And on top of that I gave up my time when I first started University myself, when I was preparing to leave my family to help you find a school which you could work in and ask people who I don’t really speak to advice to give to you. Why bother helping someone who is going to give you that in thanks? I guess you can understand why I cried at that. There is no hope for someone like that (sorry to replay this conversation I just want to make sure I understood it right). What do you say to that then…“OK”. Thinking that was the end of it I could despise him for the rest of my life, I walked away and got into doing something else to keep my mind off of that little incident. Then I saw there was something else he wanted to say which made me so angry “I don’t know if it’s in English though”. What a fcuking A*hole…“it doesn‘t need to be.” How dare he take that tone with me. That is how you know that someone doesn’t care about what you say to them. I told him so many times about how excited I was about starting French classes, spoke to him before them sometimes and made sure he knew about it. Then he has the cheek to say “oulala” I just wanted to scream at him. What a cheek to talk to me like that. Did he think he was being funny? That I would be pleased about him being impressed? I couldn’t reply to that at all. I just wanted to hit him. And then one of those lines that make me stop totally and remember why it is that I liked him in the first place “I’d like to hear you speaking in French”. I just laughed. Just for the fact that he can just…I don’t even know. Not wanting to really converse with him all I could think was “it’s not that impressive”. And then somehow I ended up making conversation out of it again “If you ever want to laugh then of course I’d be happy to say something to you” when I didn’t even want to. How does that ever happen. I go from one word or few word answers to suddenly trying to make him say something. But he said one of those other things that made me think, ‘yeah that is the guy I fell for’ - “no, I’ll not laugh. I know how hard it is to speak a language when you never live in the country” there goes that heart beat again skipping away. Oh I cannot stand it. I wish I could do something about it but every now and then I want to speak to him, or want to just go and get at train and turn up outside his house and just say ‘Hey, I was in the area.’ But I never will, I’m not that stupid.

Now thinking about that dream…I got an email from him the morning after having slept with him again but in his home and meeting his housemates. The email said “It was so good to see your small sad mouth again, so bad L. We’re even now so let’s call it quits.” That was it. I was so confused in the dream. I’d obviously done something to him that he wanted to make sure he made up for. So I told my friend Katy and she sent his girlfriend a really nasty text and then we turned up at their flat. They were in bed together I remember being really upset. Katy made the girlfriend get out of bed and beat her up and I started arguing with him and then it all just went into something completely different.

I know I want it all to be over between me and him. Well it is. But I want him to be my friend or to fuck off out of my life. I can’t cope with all this stupidity and over-reacting to the smallest thing about him. I doubt very much that he is doing anything along the same lines, I am just some English girl who he slept with a few time…someone who he got on with and who was adequate and useful for the time. OK, that sick feeling has mostly gone now…that certainly feels better.

It's the time; it's the place; it's the motion.

Saturday was the day of Sophie's Grease party. But before this I had other things to do like shop and work.

I went into the city at 11.30am and visited the guys at work ti waste time before meeting Mr Tom! Hehee. Got to catch up on some gossip and stuff from the last week which is always good fun. Then went and met Tom off his bus. We went over to Hawes and Curtis to buy his tie for prom. I intended on buying it for him, but he wouldn't allow it. Never mind I have a sneaky hand and will get the money into his pocket at some point over the next few weeks. OR ~ hmm give it to Teighlor, that would work. Oh I am clever at times.

The city was manic with it being the 40th Anniversary of MK and also Sports mania. There were some pretty awesome people there signing and stuff, amongst them being Frank Bruno, Matt Dawson and a gladiator, but there name has completely vanished from my little brain! Either way, it was darn impressive. After wondering around Sports mania we found the Collectormania notice board and it turns out, much to Tom's approval, that he won't be missing the London Exhibition where Patrick Stewart and SYLAR are going to be. I so would love to go but it is unlikely I actually will. Tom shed a tear of joy or hay-fever I'm not sure which yet, and then we hurried over to Fat Face to let DeeJay know. I think that slightly brightened his day but not a huge amount. We only stayed for a bit, then went to get coffee. I'm not sure why we always say that when it never is coffee. Tom doesn't drink the stuff and I usually get cold drinks. We ended up at Millies and Baskins as all the coffee shops were packed. I got my usual large milkshake which I never get half-way through, and Tom got an awesome hot chocolate with cream and chocolate sauce. I love getting drinks with my friends, it makes me feel grown-up 'cos I can choose it. I'm very sad and childish at heart. After that we went over to game station so Tom could buy a new Wii Play hand-set and then went to the bus-stops where I waited with Tom 'til his bus arrived.

I went over to work and sat with George for a bit in the tea room then started work. Nothing interesting happened. The tills crashed so we had to do card transactions manually which is really fun. It's like when you play shop games as a kid. Although this lost its fun rapidly.

After work my daddy picked me up and took me home. I had to shower and change to be back out for 7.30pm. Dad took me to Abbey Hill Golf Club for Sophie's party where I met the first few guests ~ Katy, Emma and Sarah (two girls from Sophie and Katy's work). Sophie came out and her mum took a picture of the two of us before I went in. These were the rules for the guests, before entry you must take a picture with the Birthday Girl! Everyone had gone all out for their costumes and looked really good. T-Birds and Pink Ladies were rife and poodle skirts filled a lot of space. But I think the best dressed HAS to go to Liz. Skin tight peddle-pushers with the black court shoes and shoulderless black top. She made a truly amazing Sandy. http://www.flickr.com/photos/deejaynye/605198588/
The party was pretty good. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and most importantly of all, Sophie had a fantastic time! She looked pretty amazing herself actually, in a cross costume between Sandy at the end and Marty at the High School Prom.
I left pretty early considering, I was home by 11.45pm and was just catching up with people and sorting out emails. Nothing particularly interesting really.

I woke up this morning with tears streaming down my cheeks. I keep having the most horrible dreams where really distraught things are happening. The other night I dreamt that the B6 and Teighlor were at mine with my family when DeeJay fell down the stairs and cracked his head open, his brains fell out and we didn't know what to do. It ended with me in the corner rocking back and forth and crying. I was really upset when I woke. But last night's was something entirely different. I dreamt that my Dad wrote me a letter telling me he had cancer and that he had only told me and didn't want the rest of the family to know, then he just sort of faded away into nothingness. There was music playing whilst I read the letter but I'm not sure what the song was. It really disturbs me that I've been dreaming things like this. There doesn't seem to be any reason why I would dream such a thing like that either. It's all just really upsetting.

Today isn't going to be anything good and hasn't been so far. I sent off my accommodation application for Exeter Uni and then have been job hunting for temp work over the summer as I haven't got any extra hours for my part-time job. It really sucks but at least I'll be getting more money in! Saving up for Teighlor, Spain and Uni!!

Hope you have had a more interesting weekend!