Venting Frustration

The most boring weekend in the existence of my past two months has been won hands down by this one!

OK - the time when I wasn't in the house like Friday night, Saturday afternoon/evening and Sunday afternoon were fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself but dear me I forgot how boring my family are and how little I enjoy their company nowadays. Not disliking them in anyway but I really do need a break from them and unfortunately I think my frequent "break" has officially come to an end.


But that is not why I feel the desperate need to vent myself thoughts this evening. I've recently been reading "Atonement" by Ian McEwan. I saw the film adaptation in the summer with my parents and after ,months of my mother trying to make me read the original novel I finally got down to it. As I already know the storyline it was not going to be a fantastic read as all the twists and turns I know already. But the style in which it is written intrigued me and really kept me reading. I've read half of the book but I refuse to carry on reading it. I had completely forgotten how much hatred I hold for the main character in this story. I just want to kill her or smack her about the face a few times and tell her to stop being so god damn selfish and self-righteous because she knows fuck all about real-life. She doesn't understand the situations she eavesdrops on and doesn't deserve tyo be a part of them in any way. I finally reached my limit with her and have had to stop reading because I know I will feel the most outrageous detest for this girl if I carry on any further. Not only her but her stupid bloody cousin who in my opinion deserves the ""horrific ordeal she is put through at such a young age due to what I know will come later and also from her general persona.

I have never had to put a book down. And what annoys me about it even more is that I know there are parts to come which I will wholly enjoy reading but I cannot physically bring myself to read the other parts.


This year is seeming to be the year for my first-times in all shapes and sizes - first time I've ever walked out on a movie at the cinema due to how shockingly shit it was, first book I have been unable to complete out of boredom (Sophie's World), first book that has made me so angry that I can't complete it along with a whole conglomeration of other things which seem to be happening in my life and family life at the moment.

Oh well - another boring-arse week at work is to start and the annoying management twats who I have to suffer until Weds/Thurs/Fri when my saving light returns to my life. Oh Jen, I don't know how you cope on Saturdays.

The hidden thing driving all these emotion - I have realise I have lost my religious connection as my dead feeling in mass this morning confirmed the worst for me. I don't know what to do to get it back. The sins I have committed are ones I am happy to have undergone, so speaking to a priest and asking forgiveness is totally out of the question. As well as this the guy who I thought I was falling for no longer makes me feel the same way. I have not lost any feelings for him, I still miss him and want to be around him but I have come to accept that nothing is to come of our "thing" and I don't feel any regret or anything like that but at the same time I now just kind of want him to hurry up and go back to France so that I know where I stand in life and I can get down to the grizzly tedious life which I am currently leading. And in no way am I feeling depressed or down about any of it. It is fact and a reality of life which does not bother me but I want to be able to say it all with out someone telling me that it's only because I haven't seen him. As I felt this coming on last weekend and didn't feel quite the same when I left or when I arrived there. It is all just a little odd for me as I have been the emotional person forever, falling in love too quickly becoming attached far too easily to guys and now for once when I probably have every reason to I haven't and don't wish to either. But I do like him and think him an awesome guy and am very happy to have spent the time I have with him and to have done what I have with him. I hold no regrets of the last two months. I have enjoyed them no end and wouldn't change them for the world.

Now I have lost where I am heading with any of this but feel like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you.

Somebody Help

I am only 3 days into my 12 long struggle and I haven't been allowed to even speak to him. All I keep doing iss listening to his music and thinking about the past few visits and trying my hardest to think positively about what is to come. Which isn't too difficult it wasn't for the fact I had a sudden start on Monday evening. I realised I am shit-scared of going back to Uni again and not sure if I want to go to Manchester. In my heart I am saying I want to be in Coventry fdoing English and Law. But in my head I know that is only because of the hope that Jérémie will be there and it will make visits easier. Who said anything about it lasting that long. When he goes back to France I can't expect him to come back to me. Neither can I assume that I won't have moved on 2 months down the line. Highly unlikely, but a possibility nonetheless. Ah, working in a very quiet retail shop doesn't help with the whole thinking thing and keeping him of the brain. 24/7 he is in my thoughts usually me trying not to think about him. But I won't say it's love because I don't want to submit myself to that. Not yet. Not so early on. Maybe if things are still going in September the word my slip out more readily.

So this is the song that makes me smile, cry and feel happy about every little thing I can think of.

Thank you for sending me this one. You don't know what it does to me.

The original that gets me every time: http://youtube.com/watch?v=D2DPa1eGMpo&feature=related


The English Version with a different meaning: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vu077-j95k8


So sweet, so beautiful
Everyday like a queen on her throne
Don't nobody knows how she feels
Aicha, Lady one day it will be real

She moves, she moves like a breeze
I swear I can't get her out of my dreams
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes

[Chorus]

Aicha Aicha - passing me by (there she goes again)
Aicha Aicha - my my my (is it really real)
Aicha Aicha - smile for me now
Aicha Aicha - in my life

[Verse2]

She holds her child to her heart
Makes her feel like she is blessed from above
Falls asleep underneath her sweet tears
Her lullaby fades away with his tears

[1/2Chorus]

[Bridge]

She needs somebody to lean on
Someone body, mind & soul
To take her hand, to take her world
And show her the time of her life, so true
Throw the pain away for good
No more contemplating boo

[Verse3]

Lord knows the way she feels
Everyday in his name she begins
To have her shining here by my side
I'd sacrifice all the tears in my eyes
Aicha Aicha - ecoute moi

[Chorus]

69 over 420!?

I was so worried about this weekend not being quite as good as they have been previously. I think I have just got myself into thinking this just to make it all the better. But I truly convince myself that I will be disappointed. And it felt more real than ever on Saturday.

I went up to Coventry in the afternoon with Liz and DeeJay as it was her turn to go up there and we had gone for lunch with Tom ealier to celebrate Liz and Tom's birthday. It was a good way to start the day actually. I felt relaxed and happy with home-life and knew I was getting a free-ride up to see Jérémie which is never a bad thing. But when we got there he didn't answer his buzzer quite as quickly as I probably was willing to wait, so I went up to DeeJay's and sat smoking with Liz and him for a bit. Then messaged Jérémie to let him know I was there and went down to see him. I was really worried he had gone out or had decided against me or something. I think I still find it hard to believe that I'm with him in anyway let alone this way.

But as soon as I saw him I got that little flutter and just slotted back into the routine. We watched a pretty cool film recommended by DeeJay and Liz "The Science of Sleep". And for what I actually watched of it...it was good. Though I think that's another good movie I will have to watch again. He is a frisky guy and regardless of what is on the screen he knows what he prefers I guess. Hehee

We went to bed really early again this week but neither of us slept we just lay there in silence. It was the strangest thing. Then about an hour later I got up and he seemed really worried about where I was going. I think toilet breaks need to be before bedtime as it always worries him. Though it still makes me laugh and is good ammunition to wind him up just a little. I barely slept that night, I think it was because of how we slept just next to each other - i cocooned myself in his blanket leaving him the duvet, which I don't think he was too keen on as he kept trying to hold me but I was pretty much stuck in one position - flat on my back and fully covered!

Sunday morning/afternoon was very lazy. Jérémie claimed he would get up earlier than me to do his revision and prep work for his finals, which was fine by me, but he did nothing of the sort. I didn't even interfere with his concentration either! But he clearly didn't feel in the right frame of mind to be working. So after making me a very nice lunch we watched "The Simpsons" in french. It is the weirdest thing to watch in another language. You get so used to the characters voices that the accent change just freaks me out. As it was 4/20 on Sunday Liz and DeeJay invited us to spark up with them in celebration. So at about 1.30 I went and got washed and the rest didn't quite pan out how I planned. Thinking coming back in a towel would hint at Jérémie going in for shower it just ended in implying something else. 69 took-over and we missed 4/20 for it. But I must say it was totally worth it apart from needing another shower afterwards and messing my hair. Seriously, wet hair drying when you're doing "that" is not recommended. lol

We went up to DeeJay's a bit before 5 and enjoyed some 4/20 celebrations but left about an hour later. I intended on leaving at 6pm but eneded up lying across Jérémie's legs as we reminisced about out childhoods. I love just lying and talking with him, and listening to his stories. He always shocks me with what he says. I find some of it hard to believe, and some of it just creases me. I wish those weekends could last forever but alas they never do. So we walked down to that taxi rank where I had the strangest goodbye. A kiss followed by a childish protesting moan from me, him leaning in for another kiss and me backing out holding his hand amd then walking away. His parting words "I want to see you cross the road safely". More than ever I wish I didn't have to leave as it will be two more weeks before I see him again and communication will be small until the presentation is over tomorrow and still less than usual as he has to prepare for his finals. However much I wish I could be with him at the weekend coming I know his finals are very much so the most important thing for him as they would be for me.

Ay nako - this will be a hard 12 days that lay ahead of me. But I must watch myself as the conversations I've had with him make me know that I can't expect much out of this. It isn't fair on either of us as his home is France and he is at a pinnacle point in his life as I will be in mine shortly. But, i can't always help myself from falling.

How can you...?

My parents came home this evening after their long weekend down in Wales with Pam. I thought it would be nice to see them again and that they might even start showing some interest. But clearly they are set in their ways on this one.

Over the weekend I saw Jérémie, and I managed to spend part of the time with him at my own home so now I feel we are starting to balance out on that one. Unfortunately for him Jenny hadn't gone away this weekend as I had hoped. Kat had gone off down to Portsmouth making me think I was in luck but the one person who you never want people to meet...put it this way. That member of your family you like to leave til the end of introductions and avoid conversations about. Well that is my sister and she isn't exactly easy to miss or avoid in person. The poor guy was submitted to her and her weird-ass friends on Sunday. I wish she would just grow-up and move out. She is just...ARGH!
But regardless of that I think it was a really lovely weekend. We went over to Liz's for her party, as it is her birthday this week. And he got to meet my closest friends which went incredibly well. He was so relaxed in conversation with them all it made me so happy. Sunday was spent at mine watching films and French TV as is the custom! But I've never felt so at a loss as when I took him to the train station. I wanted to be able to stand until the train came and took him but it's not possible at MKC (gay station) but that moment at the barriers...ay nako! I miss him like crazy this week and just can't wait for the boredom to peeter away into another blissful weekend with him.

When my parents arrived home this evening the first thing I wanted to do was show them a picture of Jérémie, as I now finally have one (thank you DeeJay, even if I do look a state!). And t was such a let-down when my mum's reaction was nothing. She didn't say one thing other than, it's not a very good angle to see him, as it is one of those "natural" shots. And that was the end of the conversation. Neither parent asked how the weekend was for me. What did I get up to or even how my day was today. But as soon as Kat came downstairs "How was Portsmouth? Did you enjoy it?" It makes me so mad to know that they will freely discuss every aspect of my life with everyone apart from me it seems. They have no reason why to not want to ask questions. I'm not hiding anything from them and I've made a point of them knowing that as it seems to hurt them so very much. A simple question like the everyday sort can't really be that hard can it?

It's That Time

This is the first week that I haven't spoken to him at least four times since I left him on Sunday and although I'm not pining it is annoying the hell out of me that I can't contact him until Friday night. Not that I have anyting to say, just the fact that I don't have the option to not say anything.
I've restrained myself and only sent two emails. One on Monday and one this evening. But I feel so down at the moment.

I hate female hormones they suck!

After spending the day feeling really rough and just wanted to snuggled down into bed regardless of the fact that I was wide-awake, I came home to listen to my daily installment of reminders and just felt bitter and annoyed. I don't care at this moment if I never speak to him again just for the pure fact that I can't right now. And I want him not to come on Saturday so that I can be annoyed with him for a reason but at the same time I want with all my heart for him to come here. I think I would feel thoroughly let down if he says no. But now - I want to be able to scream and cry at someone or something. I want to be in his arms and weeping against his chest as he holds my head for no apperent reason.

Oh yeah, and I have broken my PC. Clever little thing I am! Pulled the plug on it so I don't even have anything to entertain me and divert my attention when I go to bed now other than old kids films which keep me awake. Oh for goodness sake. Why did I take a break. I should have just carried on through the cylce and then all this would be slightly better.

I wish I was having an argument with my mother right now. I would feel so much better for it I am sure. And I have plenty of pent up frustration for her. Oh my goodness get a grip on yourself you pathetic female and just go to bed or eat some bloody chocolate. If you were even hungry which you aren't. Grrrr

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vu077-j95k8

Golden Touch

I don't think I have ever smiled as much as I have done this weekend. And the likelihood of a repetition...hopefully quite high. But it is something that we will see about.

Today (Sunday 30th March 2008) has gone down in history as the best day of my life by a very very long shot. And even if it doesn't keep its place, there is no possible way I will forget it unless amnesia strikes.

I'm not sure how to write this, the only thing that I can think of right at this moment is the poster above his bed. And for some reason I cannot remember what it was, well the actual image I remember vividly, I stared at that for so long. Every time I looked at it all I could think of was the butterflies in my stomach on Saturday afternoon as I sat on that train. I went up to Coventry to visit Jérémie who I met a couple of weeks ago at DeeJay’s party. I don’t know why but I just really wanted to see him and it is so unlike me to be so confident and forward but for some reason with him it felt like it was OK. However I was not entirely sure of what would happen. I felt it best not to play it up and so decided to see it as a day trip, probably would be there for a few hours then would head home a little deflated. I had used DeeJay having left his laptop cable there as an excuse so that the visit would not be completely wasted.

When I got to Coventry the butterflies had settled and I was preparing for a non-plus sort of day. I picked up the cable and then went downstairs to see Jérémie (this is about 2pm). And oh what an entrance. I’d forgotten the main door to his floor was automatic and so as it opened I looked up and saw him leaning against the wall in shorts and top standing in that “oh-so-sexy” way with hand in hair. I could have fallen right then but kept my cool. He greeted me with the typical French kiss on each cheek, except I stupidly went for kiss and cuddle as I do with my friends at home. But this was no big deal. We went into his room and started watching a movie. It was odd how quickly I settled into his room, and to being around him. I knew I was still a bit fluttery in the tummy as I went to go and make some coffee and found my hand shaking a ridiculous amount. I made him go and have a quick wash as he had only got up (something I am sure I would not have said that to another). Then, very soon after, we were on his bed kissing and touching and it felt so right and natural. We went out after for a wander about Coventry to find something to do but there isn’t much around at 5pm worth doing so we headed back to his. On went 300 which I don’t remember much of though neither do I remember what we did. I think I turned my back to the screen and was just snuggled in his arms. We spent most of the night like this and sitting and talking and just very relaxed. Clearly I d spent the night so some lame-ass excuse was sent to the father. He didn’t fall for it but I really couldn’t have cared less. At midnight we got up and made some dinner and sat talking in the kitchen for about three hours about anything and everything from family and mafia and governments and culture. I don’t think I have ever spent so much time talking to someone without getting bored. But I was totally enthralled by him. We went back to his room and watched the Godfather movie for a very short amount of time and then came the first time. Well, almost. But what was to come was pretty awesome. I don’t think we slept until 4am or later so a very well earned lie-in was to follow for Sunday.

I woke fairly early and sent a couple of texts to say I wouldn’t be home til the evening and just general catch-up with some “concerned friends” shall we say. He finally fully woke at 3pm. Before this though I needed to get up a couple of times to drink and use the bathroom. He was so sweet. Every time I moved his arm so I could get out of bed he would pull me back towards him. I wonder if he thought I was going to leave!? There is no way I could have done that to him. Which reminds me, when we went to go to sleep he pulled me into his arms and whilst I slept he would randomly pull me on top of him and start kissing me. I think I may have had a bit of a start too at some point as I woke to him asking “Qu’est-ce que ce passe ce soir?”. But as someone who hasn’t spoken French in 18 months I conceded to a simple “Hmmm? - nothing”. I don’t even know if he did ask that or not, but I don’t think I answered in a bad way.

Anyway, he gets up and obviously had rebooted his energy levels as he proceeds straight off to get into the flow of the night before. And we ended up going the whole way this time. And it was so good. Something which I was certain wouldn’t happen the first time happened and he was so – I don’t know. Amazing and the best way to describe him is, he is ‘something else!’ I meant to leave that afternoon, maybe two o’clock. But it was so blissful just lying in bed nest to him sniggled against his chest that I didn’t leave ‘til 7pm. Oh dear, I don’t think the parents were too impressed but I couldn’t have cared less. I had the biggest grin on my face as he walked me to the taxi rank, gave me a kiss goodbye, as I was driven away I was still smiling and I think people at the station could tell as it felt like everyone was looking at me.

He was online when I got home as well and I spent the evening talking to him and relaying the weekend to my closest friends who were all shocked, but happy too. And I just smiled, and smiled some more!

Une Langue DIfferent

It has been a while since I have felt this content. Considering there are really big reasons for why I shouldn't be, if it wasn't for a few special people, I surprisingly feel the happiest I have in ages.


I think the main thing is the fact that I know my future is sorted as far as it ever will be. And that future is something I couldn't be happier about. Being accepted into University of Manchester was something I could not have wanted more. The fact that two of my favourite people and closest and oldest friends are there just makes it all the better.

Well, let me start with what brought me up to this high. At the beginning of March was my best-friend's 19th birthday and he had a house/flat/halls party. Cecilia and I headed on over to Coventry to celebrate in style with him. I'm always so happy to see my beautiful Pops even if it has been a day or two since seeing her. The two of us met at the train station in Coventry and headed over to the halls. Before going to DeeJay's though we decided to go and visit Peter instead. It is rare that I actually speak to him anymore which is weird when I think back to the days when it was an everyday thing. It was really good getting to catch-up with him before the party and to be back to normality with him. He is a funny guy when he wants to be and I do enjoy his company when the timing is right!
Anyway, we headed over to DeeJay's for the party. I'm not sure how many weeks it had been since I'd seen him. Not too long as I recall. Either way it is always a pleasure to see him. The party was pretty darn good as the people there were awesome. Finally getting to meet his housemates and course mates too. Cutting to the chase - I met a guy who lives in the floor below. Jerémie is from France and was really cool. Cece, me, Ko (DeeJay's totally cool flatmate), Chris/Stan and Jerémie were all playing Jenga in the kitchen. I don't think I've ever played that game for so long before. It was freakin' awesome. Anyway, back on track. I gave Jerémie my email (thanks to Cece) since I spent most of the night around him. As soon as I got back home the next day he had added me so we got chatting. And for the past three weeks I have spoken to him near enough every day for about 8 hours. And we haven't come anywhere close to running our of things to say.

Writing about him now I can properly think of all the things I feel. I certainly do fancy him, but for once I am quite happy with being his friend (though I wouldn't say no!). He always make me smile and I am surprised at how much we both laugh when we talk. I don't think I've shut-up about him since I met him either. Which is a first. I usually manage to limit myself but he is all I ever really want to talk about. I've never felt this way about someone before but it isn't lust or love like I have felt for other guys before. It is something new and different. But it makes me smile to think about him, he has given me confidence that I never used to have and I do get that little flutter in my belly when I think about him or when he says some things. Yet, I am not rushing ahead of myself for once.
I have plucked up the courage to go and see him after three weeks and I am nervous but so so excited as well. He makes me feel so totally different and he has put the biggest smile on my face.

There are serious pros to this guy - his voice makes me melt, he has a way with words, he is helping me with my french and me his english, he knows so much and is so amazing. Genuinely the most impressive I have met other than my brother. In fact he is edging ahead of my brother in terms of knowledge, more due to the fact that he uses it.

Well, he has brought a smile back to this girl's face; Cecilia has brought pride back into my heart and joy into my life; DeeJay has brought hope and beauty to my eyes with his own relationship.

OK let's move onto the best-mate then. There have been so many times over the last few months when I have wanted to pour my heart out onto my blog but have hesitated because for once in our long friendship I have been unsure of where I stand, but I saw him alone yesterday, and now I can think more clearly. Since he started dating a mutual good friend of ours I have spent no time alone with him. That is a huge change for us as we were pretty much inseperable on the past few years. I took it surprisingly hard. The silly thing is, I get on incredibly well with his girlfriend, and I have no problems with her as she is one of my closest friends. Which is probably why it's harder as I couldn't lay my finger on how I was feeling. If he was dating a random I know I would be insanely jealous but I know him and Liz well enough to know the difference. I have merely been upset about the fact that my little brother was in love again and I wasn't geographically close enough to fit into the time. Which is no fault of either of us. I understand that him and Liz want to be with each other every waking hour, I'm just used to slipping into the gaps - except they don't seem to exist anymore.

Yesterday I met with him after work and we just chilled out and chatted and I realised for the first time that I don't need to be with him to have our friendship - we aren't needy in that sense and we are close enough that we know that whether we see each other everyday or once a month that we will never change. It is quite something to know that, and to know that we can still talk on the same level even though we are no longer kids. That is the most satisfying and impressive thing I have ever had the pleasure of being able to say about one of my relationships.

Thank you DeeJay for showing and giving me that.